The Marauders Discover Fanfiction
by CoconutBanana
Summary: What happens when a magical computing device gets transported from the future, and the marauders (plus eventually Lily) discover interesting stories about them and people they know? And what happens when they attempt to write so-called Fanfiction themselves?
1. Hex me, Charm me

"I'm bored," Sirius announced one day, as the marauders were relaxing in the common room.

"Do you want to go to the kitchens?" Peter suggested helpfully. Sirius shook his head.

"Do you want to go prank Snape?" James asked, but Sirius didn't feel like that either.

"Do you want to finish the Transfiguration essay that is due tomorrow?" Remus said from the corner where he was reading. Sirius looked at him in disgust, but Remus just shrugged. "I bet you haven't even started it yet."

"Nope, but listen. Yesterday I was snooping around Filch's office, and I found this really interesting device. Let me go and get it," Sirius went to his schoolbag, pulled out a MacBook air, and held it proudly.

"What is that?" James asked, staring at the strange object.

"I don't know. I think it is from the future, since it was lying next to a time capsule dating 2014."

Remus blanched. "You know, that must be really important. We will be in so much trouble if they find out you nicked it!"

Sirius shrugged dismissively. "They won't find out. Anyway, shall we examine it or not?"

James and Peter gathered around immediately, but Remus looked torn. Eventually his curiosity got the better of him, and he too sat down next to Sirius.

After about half an hour, they finally managed to turn it on.

"Finally," Sirius sighed.

They all gasped as the screen lit up. Suddenly, as though through a magical force, the laptop automatically opened 'Safari'.

"What's Safari?" Peter asked.

"It is an expedition to observe or hunt animals in their natural habitat, especially in East Africa." Remus answered automatically.

"Why would that be on a device like this?" James said, looking wary.

Sirius ignored them. The laptop was now magically opening a website, and Sirius paled.

"Erm, guys? Look." He said, pointing at the screen.

The website was titled _Fanfiction, _and it had several story looking things. The others followed where Sirius was looking, and gasped.

**_Hex me, Charm me by Svensterns2_**

**_The marauders decide to prank Lily, but all does not go to plan. Rated T for later chapters._**

"Wait, why do they have our names there?" Peter asked with an alarmed look.

"I don't know." Sirius replied. "Er, shall I, you know, tap on it?"

The others nodded numbly. However, as soon as they had nodded, the device magically opened the story.

"I'll read it out loud, shall I?" Remus said. The others agreed, and Remus began reading.

**It was a normal day. **

"Interesting start to a story," Remus commented, but he was still worried.

**The sun was shining, the birds were singing and Professor McGonagall was shouting at the four marauders.**

**"**That sounds about right," James chuckled.

"How do they know that, though?" Remus wondered.

"Magic?" Sirius suggested. Remus rolled his eyes.

**"****THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!" She yelled, and the four were forced to cower under her glare.**

"Minnie's glare really is scary…" Sirius said.

**"****It was all in good fun!" Sirius Black protested.**

**"****All in good fun? ALL IN GOOD FUN? You turn Snape into a gerbil**

At this the four boys burst out laughing.

"Turning Snape into a gerbil? That's a good one. We should do that, Prongs!" Sirius laughed.

Remus still looked slightly worried. Was he the only one that thought it was strange that some random author knew about them?

**and you claim that it is ALL IN GOOD FUN? Detention for the week!"**

"As if she would let us get off so easily." Sirius grumbled.

"Yeah, we'd get detention for the year!" James said.

**She turned and strode away, her cloak billowing behind her.**

"She sounds like superman." Remus said, slightly amused. Even though he was worried, he had privately decided to talk to Dumbledore about that strange machine.

"Who's superman?" James asked Sirius, but the latter just shrugged.

**The four boys turned around, only to come face-to-face with Lily Evans.**

"Oh, oh," Sirius said under his breath.

**James blushed.**

"What?" James exclaimed. "I might fancy Evans, but I'd never BLUSH in her presence!"

**"****WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" she screeched like a banshee.**

"Sounds like an adequate description…" Sirius said.

**"****That Snape would make a wonderful gerbil." Sirius answered promptly.**

"Great answer, Fanfiction!me, great answer!" Sirius said laughing.

**Lily glared at him, and he cowered.**

"As if."

**"****Holy crap." James whispered.**

**Her flaming red hair was flying around her head, and her green eyes were fiery.**

Remus looked worriedly at the laptop. Not only did it know them, it also knew who Lily was, and what she looked like. It made him feel uneasy.

**"****Your pranks are childish and immature!" she yelled.**

Sirius and James glared at the device.

"How dare she…" Sirius said darkly.

"Um, you do know that this is just a story! Lily didn't really say that." Peter pointed out.

"Still…" Sirius said, shaking his head sadly. "Moony, just continue reading."

**The four boys glared at her, but she just shrugged**

**"****What? I bet that your pranks could never make me laugh!" she said.**

"Evans is kind of a bitch in this one," Sirius said.

"Yeah, she did laugh that one time in fourth year when we tried to turn the whole castle pink in honour of Valentine's Day," James said reminiscently.

**"****Fine. You're on." Sirius snarled.**

"I'd do the same in real life," Sirius said.

**"****Good. You have until next Friday," Lily said, then she turned to leave, flicking her hair over her shoulder.**

"Wow, she is really bitchy in this one," Peter said.

**The boys looked at each other. This would require careful planning.**

"And that's the end of the chapter." Remus said, closing the book.

"Well…" Sirius trailed off.

"What now?" James voiced what they had all been thinking.

"I want to talk to Dumbledore about this." Remus said decidedly.

"Maybe we could just keep it for a few days, you know, have a look at some other stories, and then give it to him?" Sirius suggested hopefully.

Peter and James nodded, but Remus was hesitant.

"C'mon Moony, I really want to know what happens next!" Sirius said.

"Fine. I guess a few days couldn't hurt." Remus said, his curiosity winning out. After all, how often did one find a strange, futuristic device with stories about oneself and ones friends?

"So, shall we check out another story?" James asked.

The others nodded, making themselves comfortable on the sofa.

* * *

**A/N: So, what do you think? Let me know in the reviews. I give individual review replies!**

**Here is a short overview: The marauders will have to find out what Fanfiction is before they can write their own. I will keep have them read a healthy mixture between good and badfics, so prepare to have them react in lots of different ways! Don't worry, Lily will join them soon, and I might add an OC as Lily's friend, what do you think?**

**Also, any fic ideas are welcome, and if you want them to read your Fanfiction, let me know! (It can't be too long, though!)**

**Next update will be soon, until then, adios!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	2. Sevella- Snape's Sister

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Fanfiction. Or the marauders. Or Apple. Did I miss anything? Nope? Good. Then let the story continue...**

* * *

The marauders stared as the computer magically chose the next story.

"Well, this looks interesting, to say the least. The description is: _Snape's sister that was kept a secret. What happens when she goes to Hogwarts? SiriusxOC"_

"Snape's sister? Gosh, do you thing she is as greasy and hooked-nose as he is?" James asked, snorting.

"What do you think that bit at the end meant? Y'know, _SiriusxOC,_" Remus wondered.

"No idea. Well, shall I read it?" Sirius suggested, to which the others nodded.

**Sevella **

"Original name for Severus Snape's sister." Peter said, rolling his eyes.

**Terenety Starlet Stormwaker **

"Well, that's a long name…" James said, raising an eyebrow.

Remus paused to think. "It might be a Mary Sue," he said.

"What the bloody hell is that?" Sirius asked.

"It's a self-inserted character that is too perfect to be real. They have no real flaws, are always the center of attention, and their looks are perfect. To create 'depth', the author will usually give them a really tragic background, and have them angst about really unnecessary things." Remus explained.

"And how do you know that?" Peter asked.

"Well, they pop up occasionally in the novels I read, you see. But I guess they are more common in Fanfiction."

**was never an ordinary girl. She had been kept a secret by her father, who hated her,**

"Definitely a Mary Sue, then," Remus said.

**because she was the proof of the affair he had once had with a muggle. He often beat her, and she spent loads of nights crying herself to sleep.**

"I see what you mean with the tragic background," Sirius said.

**Her brother, Severus,**

"Eugh, imagine having Snivellus as a brother!" James said, disgusted.

"Yeah, he'd live in your house, and you'd be forced to see him every day!" Sirius added.

**was the only one that was remotely kind to her, but even he didn't love her.**

**She had been forced to stay at home, and she was unable to go to Hogwarts, because her father hated her so much.**

"That's not a reason! Moony, would that be possible?" Sirius asked.

"I think it might be, since he could just pretend to home-school her. But you'd think that if he hated her so much, he would just cart her off to Hogwarts, so that he didn't have to see her!"

**However, when her father died, she was seventeen, and she had been allowed to go to Hogwarts.**

"Well, if she has never been taught, how does she expect to learn six years' worth of magic in such a short period of time?" Peter said reasonably.

**Even though nobody taught her, she had managed to learn magic on her own, not even needing a wand.**

"Oh, I forgot to add that Mary Sues usually have amazing powers, or they are naturally gifted at whatever they try." Remus said. "Continue reading, Padfoot,"

**Now was her first day at Hogwarts. It was September the first, and she was going to ride on the Hogwarts Express and start her seventh year.**

**She was so excited in the morning, she could hardly contain herself. Not even her step-mothers sneering had dampened her mood, and she found herself being happy for the first time in years.**

**She combed her dark ebony hair, it was glossy and long,**

"Unlike Snivellus', which is greasy and gross…" Sirius shuddered.

"Well, this is what I said. Her looks are simply perfect! You'll see." Remus said.

**and she even put a little bit of makeup on, making her dark eyes sparkle and pop.**

"I wonder where she got her makeup from… I mean, he daddy obviously didn't buy her any, I doubt Snivellus wears makeup, and her step-mum hates her anyway. Did she just steal it from her, or what?" Peter said.

**Her heart shaped lips were glossy, and her skin flawless.**

"Obviously. Anyway, why is she so different from Snape? The only similarity is dark hair and dark eyes, what about everything else?" Remus said.

"Well, she is a Mary Sue, so she should be a perfect version of Snape!" James said.

**She then proceeded to choose her outfit. Unlike her brother, her fashion style was great,**

The four marauders snorted at this.

**and she pulled on a Chanel designer dress.**

"What's 'Chanel'?" Peter asked.

"No idea… But designer means expensive, so the author obviously forgot the fact that all her relatives hate 'Sevella', and would never buy her expensive clothes." Remus said.

**She pulled **

"Sloppy, the author only just used that word. How hard is it to think of a different one?" Remus said.

**on a pair of black high heels,**

"Yeah, because all students wear high heels to ride the Hogwarts Express," James snorted.

**and a pair of fishnets that made her legs look longer**

"This outfit is starting to sound way too over-the-top." Sirius said.

"Starting? I thought that after she mentioned the designer dress." Peter said.

**and she put on a push up bra that made her great curves look even better.**

"Riiight." James said. "And why did the author have to mention what bra she was wearing?"

"Well, obviously the author thought she was subtly mentioning the fact that Sevella has great curves." Remus said.

**She realised that she was going to be late if she didn't go now, so she set off quickly. However, when she arrived, the train was already full. People turned and stared as she went past,**

"Proof that she is a Mary Sue." Remus said.

"We already determined that ages ago," Sirius pointed out.

"Yeah, but see what I mean that she is always the center of attention? It's like people have nothing better to do than stare at her and gossip about her."

"Well, to be fair, I think I would stare if a new student came to Hogwarts and she was wearing an outfit like that one!" Peter said.

**and she felt very self-conscious, for, although she was beautiful, she didn't know it.**

Remus sighed. "I really hate that line. _Although she was beautiful, she didn't know it… _I don't know why, it just really doesn't work for me."

**She finally went to sit in the only compartment that wasn't completely full. There were four boys chatting idly, but they all fell silent when she walked in.**

"I think this is our entrance." Peter said.

**"****Hello," the first one, a boy with black hair and silver eyes,**

"Wait a moment, is that supposed to be me?" Sirius asked.

"I think so…" James said.

"But I don't have silver eyes!"

"Do you really expect the author to care?"

Sirius scowled.

**murmured,**

"I don't murmur." Sirius said, disgustedly. "And especially not to random new girls I have just met!"

**staring at her chest shamelessly.**

"So now I'm some kind of a perv. Great."

**Sevella felt very self-conscious, and crossed her arms to stop the leering.**

"Well, that's understandable!" Remus said.

**The boy turned red at being caught staring so blatantly,**

"Well, if I'm so embarrassed, why did I do it in the first place? She even said that it was obvious!" Sirius exclaimed.

**but he murmured,**

"Seriously, it was bad the first time, why does the author have to repeat it? I DON'T MURMUR!"

**"****I'm sorry, I just can't help myself. You are so beautiful…"**

"Wow, that's some really bad, creepy flirting you're doing, Padfoot." James smirked.

**Sevella blushed, but smiled.**

That wiped the smirk of James' face. "But it seems to be working." He shrugged.

**"****No, I'm not," she whispered, covering her face with her hair.**

**"****Who are you?" a different boy, a sandy haired one, asked.**

"I think that's me." Remus said.

**"****Sevella." She whispered.**

"So I'm murmuring, and she's whispering the whole time? I mean, that's so weird! If a girl would just whisper the entire time I've been talking to her, I would not keep on having a conversation with her!" Sirius said.

**The third boy, one with hazel eyes and brown hair, asked her, "What is your surname?" He asked.**

"James: the only one with common sense in this Fanfiction." Remus said.

"Well, to be fair, you also seemed normal enough, it's only Sirius that's murmuring and leering." James said.

**"****Erm, Deays," she whispered, not wanting to give away her true identity. Her brother had often complained about his enemies, and she had the feeling that if these boys knew who she truly was, she would not have a chance to ever make friends with them.**

"Like we'd make friends with her anyway." Peter said. "I mean, she's dressed in a weird way, she's whispering and she's making Padfoot murmur!"

"Well said, Wormtail, my friend!" Sirius said.

**"****Hello, Sevella Deays." The first one murmured.**

"So I'm still murmuring? Yipee…"

**He had silver eyes that were as deep as pools of moonlight,**

"Ok-ay..." Sirius said, raising both eyebrows.

"That description really is very strange." Remus said.

**and they were so expressive. Right now, although Sevella didn't know it, they were filled with love.**

"Because I'd fall in love with a random girl I just met. Seriously, even if I'd had the best conversation in the world, which I didn't, I'd not fall in love with them just like that!" Sirius said. "I mean, I don't know anything about her!"

"And am I the only one realising that this is Snivellus' sister? She is _related _to him!" James pointed out.

Sirius looked horrified. "You are right! And if this Fanfiction would make us marry, I would be his brother-in-law!" He shuddered.

**"****What's your name?" she whispered to the first boy shyly.**

"Because, of course, she is only interested in the name of the mighty Padfoot. The others are but pale in comparison the bright glow of Sirius Black." Remus said, shaking his head.

**"****Sirius," he murmured, taking a strand of her glossy, black hair, and tucking it behind her ears.**

**She blushed again, and he chuckled. "Well, Sevella, why don't you sit down?"**

"And that's the end of the chapter." Sirius said. "And it looks like the next chapter hasn't been uploaded yet."

"Well, let's read another story, shall we?" James suggested, and the others agreed.

* * *

**_A/N: I thought that if the marauders read Fanfiction, they would have to encounter Mary Sues. How did you like this one I created? Should I leave it at that, or do you want to know more about Sevella?_**

**_Please review, I give individual review replies! And let me know if you want the marauders to read your fanfics! However, I have already received two requests, so I need to make this clear: The fic must be shortened until it is between 200 and 600 words. It must be marauders era, so no characters from Harry generation. It doesn't have to be about the marauders, but it has to be about people they would know, so teachers or slytherins are acceptable._**

**_I would be delighted if someone would write a oneshot especially for this, but you don't have to._**

**_So long, my friends, and thank you for the reviews, favourites and follows!_**

**_Xo_**

**_~Coco_**


	3. The Maraudettes

The marauders paused as the computer selected the next story.

"Right, so the description of this story is: **The Maraudettes. What if the marauders were girls? And all characters such as Snape, Lily and co. were of a different gender? Well, things would be different for sure! **Sounds interesting, don't you think?" Sirius said, amused.

"Yeah, I'll read it, shall I?" James suggested.

"Yeah, go ahead. I'm looking forward to seeing what we'll be like as girls." Sirius said.

**The Maraudettes**

"Oh, gosh. Are they kidding me? MARAUDETTES?" James groaned.

The others nodded their agreement, and Peter added, "And it doesn't even make sense! Our name means something! Maraudettes is just plain stupid!"

**were always the talk of the school.**

"Well, they've got that much right…" Sirius smirked.

**They always did something to make everybody gossip about them, whether it was Siria's**

"No, they didn't… Siria? SIRIA? You have got to be joking…. SIRIA? I mean, honestly. My parents named me after a star, and if they would have had a daughter, it would have been the same!" Sirius said, shaking his head.

**new boyfriend,**

"Wait, why am I the player, all of a sudden?"

"Well," James said carefully, "You do kind of go through relationships rather fast…"

Sirius smacked his arm. "I do not!"

"Shall I carry on reading, Siria?" James said, smirking.

"Don't you dare…"

"Y'know, Moony, I think we have a new nickname for our dear Padfoot." James said, his smirk getting wider.

"Shut up!" Sirius scowled.

**Jamelina's**

Sirius burst out laughing. "JAMELINA? That's even worse then Siria!"

James was the one to scowl this time.

"Oh, smile your pretty smile, Jamelina, dear," Sirius said in a sing-song voice.

**quidditch skills,**

"Ha, at least they gossip about my talent, rather than my new hook-up!"

"At least I'm not called Jamelina in this story!" Sirius said, quickly wiping the grin of James' face.

**Remuna**

Sirius burst out laughing again.

"Remuna!" he howled, clutching his side.

Remus glared at him, but Sirius just kept on laughing.

**coming top of the class again**

"So it seems that me and James do something useful, but you only hookup with guys." Remus said, quickly shutting Sirius up.

"Moony, that just sounded really wrong…" Peter said, and that set them all off again, and they laughed until their sides hurt.

**or the group pulling a prank.**

"What about me?" Peter asked, looking hurt. The other three shrugged, and James carried on reading.

**The girls were very good looking,**

"Oh, gosh, you don't think they turned us into Mary Sues?" Remus said.

"I hope not…" Sirius answered, looking at the device worriedly.

**but Siria was by far the hottest.**

"Naturally," Sirius said, smirking.

**She had long legs; perfect curves, beautiful hair and a smile that made boys fall to her feet.**

"Ha, see how hot I am, even as a girl!"

"There was something grammatically wrong with that sentence." Remus said. "It-"

"Honestly, Moony," Sirius interrupted, "They are just describing my beauty and you have to ruin the moment."

**Jamelina was also very hot,**

"Why does she need to use that word again? Can't she just say pretty, beautiful, sexy… Why does she insist on using the same word twice?" Remus said.

**with her long, brown hair and hazel eyes, and a body that was well trained from all her Quidditch practice,**

"Ooh-hoo! Looks like you're not the only hot one!" James gloated.

"Yeah, but they said that Siria was by far the hottest!" Sirius countered.

"Guys, are you seriously debating who is hotter as a girl in a FANFICTION?" Peter said, effectively shutting them up.

**but she was taken.**

James' eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. "Taken? Why?"

"Just read on." Sirius said. "You'll obviously find out in a moment."

**She was head over heels in a hot**

"Not again! Why not use a different adjective for once? Why always 'hot'?" Remus sighed.

**jock**

"What's a jock?" Peter asked.

"No idea…" Remus said.

**from their year, Lilus.**

Everybody was silent for a moment when they heard the awful name.

"Lilius? Really?" Sirius said.

James however jumped up. "Did you hear? I'm with Evans in this Fanfiction! HA!"

"No, you're not. It says you're head over heels. That doesn't mean anything." Sirius said.

**Lilus hated her, though,**

"See?" Sirius said.

James scowled again.

**and her flirting all went for nothing. People often wondered why Jamelina didn't just give up on Lilus, because she could have had anybody else from their year.**

"At least I am popular." James said.

**Lilus was a jock,**

"And we still don't know what that is…" Remus said, glaring at the ceiling.

**but not a quidditch jock,**

"Do you think the author is going to explain what that is? Or are we just expected to know?"

**but sort of a nerd.**

"And what's that?" Peter asked again, but the others shrugged.

**He was hot with red hair and green eyes, but he was very mean.**

"Lily is not mean! She is one of the kindest people I know! She is really helpful and nice- just not to me!" James said.

**He always talked down to people,**

"Well, that's just bullshit. Lily never talks down to people except me!"

**and he always rejected Jamelina. He was top of their class,**

"Well, at least they got one thing right…" James said.

"Wait a minute, didn't the author say a moment ago that I was the top of the class?" Remus said.

"Yeah, good point!" Peter said.

**but he was still a man-bitch.**

James didn't say anything, but he glared at the story as he continued reading.

**The third marauder was Remuna, who was quiet yet hot.**

"So the author really insists that everybody is 'hot'. Nothing else, just hot." Remus said, shaking his head.

**She had a lovely shape, and a beautiful face, yet she was shy and never flirted with guys.**

**The last marauder was Peterlia.**

"That's the worst name so far! Honestly, why can't the author come up with proper names?" Remus said.

**She was ugly, fat and stupid and everyone hated her.**

Peter frowned. "Wait, does it really say that?"

James nodded, and pointed to the screen.

"What did I do to the author?" He asked, sounding hurt.

"C'mon, Pete, don't worry. We like you, and that's what counts." James said.

Peter didn't say anything, but he continued frowning at the device.

**Lilus was friends with a girl called Severa. She was unpopular, because she had such bad hygene, and greasy hair and zits.**

"I agree with that!" Sirius said.

**She was in Slytherin, and nobody understood why Lilus was friends with her.**

"Same here!" James said, pointing at himself. "I really never understood why she hung around with him for five years. He's a git."

**Now, let the story begin.**

"So what was that so far? Just an introduction?" Remus asked.

**"****I'm bored," Siria announced.**

"Sirius' infamous sentence." James laughed.

For some reason, that had made Remus feel uneasy again. He had somehow managed to ignore the feeling in his gut that something was wrong with the whole thing, but now he felt bad again. How did the author know that Sirius said the sentence a lot? How did the author know how they behaved? How they looked? He would have to talk to Dumbledore.

**"****Why don't you go and hook up with some guys?" Jamelia asked.**

"Great, so now I'm a whore." Sirius said.

**"****I've already slept with all the guys in our year and the year above us**

Sirius' eyes widened. "What?" He asked, his voice rising. "Does the author really think that I'm such a slut? I have had five girlfriends this year, not twenty!"

"Calm down, Sirius." Strangely, it was Peter that said this. "It's just some girl writing this that doesn't know anything about us, really. Who cares what she thinks?"

"You're right, Wormtail. Who cares? We all know it's not true."

**(A/N: Btw this is set in sixth year, guys!),**

So the author just shoves that in there? She couldn't think of some subtle way of mentioning that? She had to put in an author's note? And not even at the beginning or the end, just slap, in the middle! And it's not even that relevant right now!" Remus said.

**and half of the guys in the year below us!**

Sirius just opened his mouth, but closed it again.

**I don't want to sleep with the same guys twice, after all!**

The others looked nervously at Sirius, but he just muttered under his breath, "Who cares? They know nothing. I don't care what they think."

**And the other ones are too young…" She sighed.**

**"****Shall we get drunk?" Jamelina suggested.**

"Because alcohol is always the answer." James said.

**"****Nah, I don't feel like having a hangover tomorrow…"**

**"****Shall we prank Snape?"**

**"****Nope."**

**"****Shall we pull any prank?" Jamelina suggested, reading a quidditch magazine.**

"Why did the author only mention that now? Hasn't 'Jamelina' been reading one during this whole conversation?" Remus said.

**"****Nah. I know!" She squeeled. "You can give me a mani-pedi, and we can gossip about boys and have a sleepover!"**

The boys just stared.

"You have got to be kidding me. Is that really what girls do in their free time?" Sirius said, smacking his face with his hand.

"Oh my goodness. This author is so shallow! I- I… I have nothing left to say about that." Remus said.

**"****Yeah!" Jamelina sqeeled, jumping up. "And you can do my hair!"**

James blinked.

**"****Cool!"**

**And they did just that.**

"Oh my gosh. That was such a terrible ending. I can't believe that author! And the idea was quite interesting! Why did she have to make us all 'hot', shallow and stupid?" Remus said.

"I don't know. Shall we read the next one?" Sirius said, wanting to read a proper Fanfiction without him being a slutty girl.

"Yeah."

* * *

**A/N: So, that's how you ruin an interesting idea with sloppy writing. So, what kind of Fanfiction do you want them to read? I am a little out of ideas right now. Please review if you have any ideas! Or even if you don't! :)**

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	4. The Tears of Hearts

The laptop selected the next story, and Peter said, "I'll read this one, shall I?"

"Yeah, go ahead, Pete."

"It's called, **The tears of hearts, **and the genre is **hurt/comfort.**"

"The title seems a bit fluffy, don't you think?" Remus said thoughtfully.

"Well, let's see the story before we start judging, okay?" Peter said.

**LILY POV:**

"What's that?" Sirius asked.

"It means Point Of View. So Lily is officially the speaker right now." Remus said.

**I saw James hugging his new girlfriend, and I felt my heart break.**

"Ok-ay." Sirius said.

"When d'you think this is set?" James wondered. "And why is her heart breaking?"

"Hush, we'll find out in a second." Peter said.

**I realised that I was in love with James,**

"Oh-ho!" said James, grinning. "She's in love with me, did you hear that?"

**and that I had now lost him forever.**

James frowned. "Why?"

"You've got a girlfriend now, stupid!" Sirius said.

**I ran off, tears dripping down my cheeks, and sat at the edge of the lake.**

"This is starting to sound a little over-the-top… Don't you think?" Remus said.

"Yeah…" Peter said, impatient to keep on reading.

**I cried even harder when I realised that this was the place I had told James I would rather go out with the giant squib than him.**

James whitened, remembering that unpleasant day.

"Don't worry, Prongs, she's in love with you, remember?"

Remus had also become worried at that moment. _How does the author know about that?_

**JAMES POV:**

"So now we're in a new point of view?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, obviously. It's mine, now." James said.

**I saw from the corner of my eye as Lily ran off. I turned and ran after her, the wind whipping through my hair.**

"Oh, gosh, that's just so cheesy." Sirius said, shaking his head.

**The sun disappeared behind a cloud, and I felt as if time had stopped as I saw her by the lake, crying her eyes out.**

"It really is very cheesy. Like some sappy, badly written romance novel." Remus agreed. He had decided to enjoy the stories for now, and talk to Dumbledore when the opportunity came.

**She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.**

"Well, that's true, but it sounds so sappy when you say it like that!" James said.

**"****Lily," I asked.**

"Wait, why does it say 'asked'? It's not a question! There is no question mark after the name! That's wrong." Remus said.

**She turned around, her eyes puffy, but that didn't diminish her beauty for a second.**

"Yeah, because all girls are beautiful when they are crying. Y'know, with the snot, blotchy, puffy eyes and runny make-up." Sirius said.

"I bet Lily is pretty when she is crying." James said.

Sirius stared at him, before saying, "I can't believe you just said that. You sounded like your Fanfiction!self in that story!"

**"****Go away," she whispered.**

**I sat down next to her, and pulled her into a hug.**

"We're hugging!" James said, punching the air.

**LILY POV:**

"Why does the author insist on changing POV's so often?" Remus asked. "Why can't she just stick to one, or two, instead of swapping back and forth?"

**He pulled me into a hug, and I felt so safe and warm, there in his arms. I would have loved to freeze time, but I couldn't. All too soon, he pulled back.**

"Ha! She likes hugging me!" James said.

**JAMES POV:**

Remus groaned. "And another POV switch! I can't believe it!"**  
I pulled back, because I didn't want to seem creepy after hugging her for so long.**

"Nice… He doesn't want to seem creepy." Sirius said.

"Wait… Are you being sarcastic?" James asked, but Sirius just shrugged.

**"****What's wrong?" I asked her, my voice sounding so sincere it surprised me.**

"Right-O. That description is weird." Sirius said.

**LILY POV:**

Remus clenched his fists. "The author can't just have three sentences and switch perspectives! That is so disruptive for the readers!"

**_You, _****I thought, but I couldn't say that.**

**"****Nothing," I mumbled, tearing grass up from the ground.**

**He took my hands in his big, warm ones, and said, "You can tell me, you know,"**

**I whispered, "I think I love you…"**

"This whole scene is just so cliché…" Remus said.

**As soon as I said it, I regretted it. He would see me as an idiot now, he would never talk to me again.**

"That's not true!" James protested.

**He had a girlfriend, after all, so why would he return my feelings? No… I had missed my chance.**

**He removed my hands from his, and my heart sank.**

Remus ran a hand through his hair. "I can't believe it! This is too cheesy to be real!"

**It skipped a beat when he placed them on my cheeks, and he whispered, "I love you too. I always have loved you, and I always will."**

Remus' jaw fell open. "The author can't honestly thing this is romantic? It's so overly cheesy and sappy, I can't believe it!"

**Then he kissed me.**

"WE KISSED!" James whooped.

"James, I hate to break it to you, but it's just a story…" Sirius said.

"Yeah, but the author thinks we are good together! That has to mean something!"

**After ten minutes of making out, we came up for air, all flushed and breathless.**

"Yeah, because it's not physically impossible to go without air for that long." Sirius said.

"Well, of course Padfoot would know…" James said, smirking.

**"****Be my girlfriend?" He asked.**

**"****Of course…" I replied, my broken heart mending after so long.**

"So, so long. Especially because it only broke a quarter of an hour ago." Remus said.

**Then we kissed again.**

"And that's the end," Peter said.

"I liked that story." James concluded.

"I didn't," Remus said. "It was overly-"

"Cheesy, sappy, boring and badly written, yeah, yeah, I know." Sirius said.

"So far, only the first one has been remotely good." Remus said.

"Maybe Fanfiction is meant to be like that!" Peter said. "Maybe it's all about Mary Sues, recycled plotlines and bad writing!"

The others looked thoughtful.

"Yeah, maybe. But we don't know enough about it yet. We should keep on reading." James said.

"So another one?" Sirius suggested.

"Yes, okay." Remus said.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry that this one is so short. But, to be fair, I updated twice in one day! Yay for me!**

**I'm sorry if I offended any lovers of this type of hurt/comfort, but I never really understood the point of it. This one was intentionally bad writing, and it was just too cheesy to be realistic.**

**Suggestions are welcome! As are your fanfics! And: Review!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**

**P.S: A big thank you to chocolatecheesecakes for your oneshot! It is specially written for this fic, THANK YOU SO MUCH! It'll be the next chapter, so look forward to that, guys!**


	5. Why are my trousers on inside out?

"Right, so this one is called **Why are my trousers on inside out**? And it's by chocolatecheesecake."

"That poor author! They are cursed with a name even worse than Sirius!" Sirius said.

"Dumbass." Remus said, smacking Sirius' arm. "It's obviously not their real name! It's just a penname!"

"Oh. Right." Sirius said stupidly.

"Shall I read the story?" James interrupted.

"Yeah, fine." Sirius grumbled, rubbing his arm.

**Sirius Black groaned and rolled over, shielding his eyes from the hazy glare of the morning sunshine.**

"Looks like you've got a hangover." Peter said.

**"For fucks sake Remus, just let me sleep…" He muttered, wanting to throw a shoe or something at his friend.**

"I often feel that way. I can completely relate to Fanfiction!me."

**"No, it's entirely your fault if you wanted to stay up all night stalking Lily with James."**

Peter and Remus turned to look at Sirius and James.

"We only did that once, I swear! And it was in third year!" James defended.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Continue reading…"

**Remus Lupin stuck his head around the drapes that failed to extinguish the light. "And for further reference, Lily hated it.**

"So would I, if I were Lily!" Remus said.

**Then Marlene hexed you."**

"Who is Marlene? Do we know a Marlene?" Peter asked.

"Well, there's one that's five years older than us, she married McKinnon a year or two ago." Sirius said. He saw the other three looking at him. "What? My family always drilled these things into my memory!"

**"Damn that woman." Sirius muttered, glaring at Remus darkly. "Why didn't you talk me out of it?"**

"Ha- I've tried. It never works." Remus said.

**"Trust me, I tried Padfoot, I did try."**

"See?" Remus said.

**Remus sighed and shook his head, before ducking the bra that Sirius threw at him.**

"Wait. Why do you have a bra in your bed?" Remus asked, and Sirius shrugged.

**"Why do you have a bra in your bed?"**

Remus blinked. "Wow, that's spot-on!"

"They'd better not have made me into a man-whore that sleeps with hundreds of girls!" Sirius said darkly.

**"Oh, it's been there since we had the underwear war with the Slytherins." **

"Oh. Good."

"D'ya think it belonged to Snivellus?" James said, smirking.

"It had better not!" Sirius said, his eyes widening.

**Sirius yawned and stretched. "Although it might be Lily's, Prongs might of put it there as a joke."**

Everybody turned to stare at James.

"I swear I've never stolen Lily's underwear!" He said, raising his hands in defence.

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Really!" He said.

**Standing up, Sirius rubbed his eyes wearily and stumbled over to where he'd left his clothes the night before, which happened to be the other side of the room.**

"Why'd I leave it there?" Sirius wondered, but the others just shrugged.

**Why he'd left them there he had no idea, but he didn't really want to find out and it probably was just Prongs messing around again.**

"Oh," Sirius said. "Makes sense."

**He tugged on his shirt, lazily turning to Moony and trying not to keel over.**

"What does 'keel over' mean?" Sirius asked.

"Kneel over?" Peter suggested.

**They didn't want a repeat of the time James and Peter "accidently" found Sirius lying on top of Remus,**

Sirius and Remus blanched.

"Wait, what?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, you heard correctly!" Peter said, smirking.

**and before you jump to any sick conclusion Sirius was drunk.**

"Pfew…" Sirius sighed, "I had been really worried for a moment."

**And Remus was bored,**

"Remus lies underneath Sirius when he's bored. Interesting!" James said.

Remus glared at him. "Shut it, Potter."

**but that's another story.**

"Oh, that's a shame! I really wanted to know why Remus, a good, studious boy decided to lie underneath Padfoot when he's bored, and Padfoot is drunk." James said, smirking.

"Shut up." Sirius and Remus said at the same time.

"And we don't want to know!" Sirius added.

**"Prongs is asleep." Remus explained, answering the unspoken question. "And remember, they have waffles today in the Great Hall, and I know you love your waffles."**

"WAFFLES!" Sirius said. "I love waffles!"

**"WAFFLES!" Sirius was suddenly very awake.**

Sirius blinked. "Wow, it's uncanny how close to reality these Fanfictions sometimes are!"

**"I need to wake Prongs up, I don't want Snivellus to stick his greasy gob full of them!"**

**Chuckling to himself, Remus walked down the steps that led to the Gryffindor common room, and three very angry girls.**

"That's never a good thing!" Sirius said, shaking his head.

**"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK THEY WERE DOING?" Lily Evans screeched, prodding Remus.**

"Oh, oh…" Peter said. "I wonder what James and Sirius did."

"Didn't you listen? They stalked Evans the whole night!" Remus said.

**"COOKING? CLEANING? HAVING AN EPIPHANY?"**

"What's an epiphany?" Peter asked.

"It's an experience of sudden and striking realization." Remus clarified.

**"Calm down, calm down." Dorcas Meadowes**

"And who's that?" James asked.

"She was in the year above us, but she's left Hogwarts now." Remus answered.

"And how do you know that?" Peter asked.

"She was a prefect, so of course I know her."

**soothed her friend, but still looked extremely angry.**

"Well, that's understandable!" Remus said. "I'd be angry in their place, too!"

**"I'm sorry, but I don't want three guys perving at me all night Remus,**

"Again, understandable!" Remus said.

**you need to work harder!"**

"Hey! Why is it my responsibility when these two idiots do something stupid?" Remus said.

**"Has Sirius noticed the hex I put on him?" Marlene McKinnon**

"So it is the McKinnon you thought." Peter said.

"Yeah, but her maiden name is Prince! Why would she already be married to McKinnon? It doesn't make sense!"

"Since when does Fanfiction make sense?" James asked, sounding amused.

**asked, sounding mildly interested. "It's quite interesting, I read about it in a book somewhere."**

"Doesn't sound too good!" Peter said.

**"WHO CARES? JAMES BLOODY POTTER IS A DICK!" Lily shouted, making everyone turn to look at her.**

"Hey…! That's not very nice of her!" James complained.

"Well, it wasn't very nice of you and Sirius to stalk her all night! I can understand that she's feeling annoyed!" Remus said.

"Fine…" James admitted grudgingly.

**"In case you didn't know."**

Sirius burst out laughing. The others stared at him, but he just shrugged.

"Well, it was funny!"

**"****We all know, honey, we all know." Dorcas said calmly,**

"Hey! But what did I to Dorcas?" James said.

"Stalked her friend all night? Just generally being an insufferable arse?" Peter suggested.

"Hey! You're supposed to be on my side!" James complained.

**but shot a dirty look at Remus.**

"Again, not my fault my friends are idiots!"

**"Remus John Lupin, you'd better pull your friend's socks up.**

"And _again, _I'm not responsible for them!"

**Because I am sure as hell sick of Sirius breathing down my neck every single bloody day."**

"So apparently you didn't only stalk them last night, but _every day_?" Peter asked.

"Hey! I'm not responsible for Fanfiction!me's actions!" James said.

**Remus winced at the full name treatment as the three girls walked away.**

**Marlene glanced back, and grinned. "I hope Sirius likes his new fashion statement!"**

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked worriedly.

"Why are you worried to what happens to your Fanfiction self?" Peter asked him.

Sirius shrugged. "I can't help but feel a little protective of my Fanfiction!me. It's a part of me!"

**"Moony…" Sirius had appeared from behind him. "Why are my trousers on inside out?"**

The four marauders burst out laughing.

When they had calmed down, James said, "Well, it was definitely not as bad as some of the Fanfictions we have read so far…"

"Yeah! I quite enjoyed it!"

"So, let's read the next one!"

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to chocolatecheesecake for writing this wonderful oneshot! Any other ones are welcome! And remember to review- I give individual review replies!**

**WANTED: Any Sirius/Remus shippers, because I'd love to have the marauders react to a SB/RL fanfic, but since I don't ship it, I'm worried that if I'd write one, it would be rubbish. And I'd like to have them react to a well written one first! Also, anybody willing to attempt Sirius/Snape would be greatly appreciated!**

**Thank you to everyone that is following this, and an even bigger thank-you to all the people that favourited this story: You guys are ****_the best_****!**

**Hope you continue to enjoy this fic!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**

**P.S.: 3 updates in 1 day- That must be a record!**


	6. Reymana- A badly written Sue

"So, this one is called **Reymana Starteller**," Sirius said.

"Sounds suspiciously like a Mary Sue, don't you think?" Peter said.

"Yeah, let's see." James said. "Do you want to read, Moony?"

"Okay." Remus agreed.

**Hi my name**

"There should be a comma after 'Hi'," Remus said.

"Don't be such a grammar-nazi," Sirius said. "Now shut up and carry on reading."

**is Reymana Selwven Quenter Windowwer Songbird Derst Starteller,**

"That is the most ridiculous name I've ever heard." James said. "And we can safely assume that she's a Mary Sue."

Remus groaned. "I hate Mary Sues…"

**and I am a witch.**

"Well, that's just stating the obvious." Sirius said.

"Not necessarily, because it could be about a muggle!" Remus said.

"As if a Mary Sue could be something as simple as a _muggle_!" James countered.

**My mum died, and I was sad cuz**

"That's a spelling error." Remus said.

"Merlin, Moony! Just keep on reading!" James said.

**she was rly**

"And another one!"

"Shut up, Lupin!"

**nice and stuff,**

"Great explanation: _My mum died, and I was sad cuz she was rly nice and stuff. _Anyway, why does she insist on saying 'and stuff'? Why? It's just bad writing."

**but my dad hates me**

"Seeing as she is a Mary Sue, we can say that we assumed that." Remus said.

**and he beats me and rapes me and stuff.**

"_And stuff_? It was bad enough once, but why does she insist on repeating it? And how can she be so casual with the topic of rape? That's just disrespectful to people that have really experience that!" Remus ranted.

**I couldnt**

"That's missing an apostrophe!"

**wait until Hogwarts becuz**

"Right, this is it. Who wants to read this? I can't, it hurts my eyes." Remus said.

"I'll do it." Sirius said, and Remus passed the device to him.

**my dad hates me and I want to go away**

"Ok-ay… So her dad kept her at home too? Like Sevella?" James asked.

#**fml ya know?**

"What does that even mean?" James asked. "I mean, what the bloody hell is '#', and what does FML stand for?"

The others shrugged, but Remus looked livid. "She can't just shove something as random as that in there! It's like… Against the rules of writing!"

"Calm down, Moony." James said.

**So I want to make friends cuz at my old school everybody hates me and stuff, becuz they think I am a freak and stuff.**

This time Remus actually stood up. "SHE CAN'T KEEP ON SAYING 'AND STUFF'!"

"Moony, calm down!"

After a little bit of soothing, Remus sat back down again.

James scanned the page. "Bad news, the Fanfiction is not even nearly over, and it only gets worse."

Remus muttered, "just stupefy me and release me when it's over," but the others ignored him.

**I am really pretty cuz my mum was really pretty,**

"That doesn't necessarily mean anything. There are pretty people with ugly parents, too." Peter said.

**but my dad is an ugly looser I hate him, #hate,**

"Again with the '#'! Are we just expected to know what that means?" Sirius asked.

**cuz he is so mean to me. My hair is black wif pink and purple streaks I magiced it like that cuz it looks awesome.**

"Erm, right. And I don't even want to mention how many grammar and spelling mistakes there are in this!" Sirius said.

**At ,my old scool pepes told me it was fucking awesome**

"I thought that everyone hated her!" Peter said.

**but they still hated me**

"Ah, okay."

**but whatever they are all totes loosers.**

"Right. They are all losers, why? Because they hated this Mary Sue with her black, pink and purple hair?" Sirius said.

**My skin is paler than Edward Cullens**

"Who's that?" James asked. "No, wait, let me guess- we're just supposed the know."

**#twilightreference,**

Remus started taking deep, calming breaths.

**(AN: OMG he is totes my idol I *heart* eddie!)**

Remus stood up, and the other marauders exchanged nervous glances.

"Right, that's it. It's bad enough when authors randomly shove author's notes into a story, but at least those are usually relevant, such as when the story is taking place. This author has just shoved a AN inside, and if that's not bad enough, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the story! It's like I just randomly write in my favourite food, or something! That is just bad, bad writing!"

The other marauders just stared at him.

He took a deep breath, and said, "okay, carry on reading, Padfoot."

**and my eyes are purple**

"Wait… What?"

Remus, who had somewhat calmed down, said, "Mary Sues often have freakish eye or hair colours. Oh, and they usually have some tattoos or scars or something."

**NO I DON'T WEAR CONTACTS**

"Right."

**they are natural and stuff.**

Remus took another deep breath.

**My body is totes hott,**

"Of course, since who would ever write about a character who doesn't have a perfect body?" James said.

"And she even misspelled hot." Sirius added with a nervous glance in Remus' direction.

**guys always stare at my boobies and stuff,**

"Because all guys are testosterone driven monsters." James said, shaking his head.

"Yeah. We're not all pervs, you know!" Sirius said to no one in particular.

**but this one guy raped me when I was ten.**

Remus clenched his hands into a fist. "How can she speak about rape so casually and randomly? I-I… I'm so done with this story. You know what? I don't even care anymore. This author is obviously beyond saving, so why even bother?"

**I love strawberries, so I tattooed one on my sholder my dad beat me when I came home but I don't care cuz the tattoo is so cool**

"She really does talk about rape and violence so casually." James said, shaking his head.

**:)**

"What's that supposed to mean? There's a closing bracket without an opening one!" Sirius said, pointing at the screen.

"Don't even try to understand what goes through the minds of authors like these." Peter said.

**I also have a tatoo on my left boobie**

"That is way too much information." James said.

**it is of a star**

"Why?"

**cuz stars r cool.**

"Great reason. No, she didn't get a tattoo of a star because it is meaningfull to her, or because it is symbolic in some way, no, she got a tattoo of a star _cuz stars r cool_." James said.

**I also hav my fave quote tattooed on my back.**

"Now this is just filler. Why did we need to know that? Does it have any relevance to the plot? Any relevance to the story at all? Will you ever even mention the tattoo again? Nope? THEN WHY MENTION IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?" James said, his voice rising.

**I was supiii**

James blinked.

**excites on the 1s t day of ogwarts,**

"Now that's just careless. Honestly, does she not read her work ONCE after she's finished with it? Not even once? Because Merlin knows she could use it!" James said.

**cuz I was gonna start my seventh yr at Hg, cuz I am a transfer student from america.**

**Oh btw I had no friends at my old school either cuz they dodnt liek me and stuff.**

"What a surprise…" James muttered darkly.

**#foreveralone haha jk (AN: SHE IS NOT A LOOSER YOUL SEE!1!)**

James glared at the laptop. "You know what, Moony, I think you're right. This author is simply too stupid to be real. I don't care what happens in this story anymore. I'm done with it. D-O-N-E." He said, then he sat back on the couch and folded his arms, glaring at the laptop.

**So I got ready and I was singing cool songs like by AngelDeath.**

"Sounds like an interesting band…" Peter muttered.

**My dad heard me singing, and beat me, but I didn't care.**

All of the marauders stared at the screen. Sirius was the one to break the silence, he just continued reading without commenting the horrible line.

**I pulled on a cool lacy bra and it was push up and I looked liek totes hott,**

"Again, why are authors so obsessed with describing the underwear of the character? And this time it's not to show her brilliant curves, since we were already told how 'totes hott' she is. This is just filler. We honestly don't need a detailed description of what she was wearing, or how she did her makeup. Why can't the author just say, '_she was dressed like a total slut, but she's not, don't worry.' _It would have the same effect!" Sirius said.

"I agree. And why do Mary Sues have to be dressed like total whores? Is it in the etiquette of writing too-perfect-to-be-real characters? What is so great about being dressed as a slut?" Peter said.

**and I wore a thong (alsoi lace)**

The marauders frowned at the device, but let it slide.

**and I wor a mini skirt that was leather. It showed a little of my butt and looked totes sexxxyyyyy!**

Sirius stopped reading for a second. "She doesn't really think that going on the Hogwarts Express dressed like that is '_totes sexxxxyyyy_', does she?"

**i wore a see-through lace top that didnt cover my stomak and looked rly rly hotttt Iwore leather gloves that still showed my fingers and my manicure was black with golden roses.**

"I can't read this anymore. Please, Pete, put me out of my misery!" Sirius said, handing the laptop to Peter.

**I put on my fav leathr boots that reachedmy theighs and made my legies looked totes AWESOME and rely sexyyyy.**

"If looking like a prostitute is '_rely sexyyy'_, then sure." Sirius muttered.

**(AN: NO SHE IS NOT A BITCH THAT OUTFIT IS TOTeS COOL**

"No it's not."

**NO FLAMES PLS!)**

"What are flames?" Peter asked the others, but they just shrugged.

**I set off. I almoust got raped on my way to the train my some dude bt I ran away.**

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, whilst Sirius and James frowned darkly. Peter glanced at them nervously before continuing.

**On the train pepes were staring and 3 grls told me my outfit was cool.**

"Yeah, three brain-damaged girls, maybe."

**All the guys were getting hrd and stuff.**

**I saw a compartment with 3 totes sexxxy dudes in it, and I said "heyyy".**

"Oh, gosh, the dialogue is awful. I don't think I can read this." Peter said. "I can't understand why people would voluntarily read this."

"Are we not reading it voluntarily?" Sirius inquired.

"Well, the magical device will not chose the next story until we finish this one, and I want to read more!"

**They were like "heeyyy dya wanna sit down" and stuff & I was like "sure coolsie!"**

**So I sat dwn and we chatted and stuff and they were totes cool! There names were Serious,**

"Spelled S-E-R-I-O-U-S, by the way." Peter said.

Sirius scowled. "I hate it when people do that! It's not funny!"

**James and Lupine.**

"So I'm just Lupin?" Remus asked.

"I think the author is under the impression that that is your first name." Peter said. "And it was spelt with an 'e' at the end."

**Serious said, "so who r u?" and I said, "I am Reymana but u can call me rey."**

**He said "lol like rey bans?" and we both laughed and stuff.**

"What are 'rey bans'?" Peter asked, confused.

"No idea," Remus said.

**I said "dya wanna come outsideand we can talk and stuff?" and he said "yeh cool.**

**So we wnet outside and he was totally staring at my ass**

"So I'm a perv again. Yay." Sirius said.

**and I laughed and said "liek wat you see?" and he was like "yeah course u r smokin hott babe."**

Sirius stared. "I would never, _never _say that. Ever."

**i said "I'm not ur babe." he said "wanna be?" and I said "sure" So we kissed and stuff.**

"You are so romantic, Padfoot." James said.

"Well, this is just entirely out of character. I think we already established that I don't fall in love with random girls I've just met, especially after just telling them my name. I don't know her at all! And secondly, I would never be such a perv. And thirdly, I would never ask a girl out like that!"

**He said. "wanna go make out?" and I was like "sure" so we went into the baggadge place ya know? And it was totes hot and he kissed me with tounge and he said "babe u r so hot" and I said "I know!" (AN: SHE IS NOT STUCK UP, LOADS OF PEOPLE SAY SHE IS HOt, OK?)**

Sirius ran a hand through his hair. "I think we can safely say that we are all just waiting for this to be over, am I right?"

The others nodded.

**So then hesaid "babe wanna do it?" & i said "ok sureeee"**

**And thn we did it. The end.**

"That was the worst piece of shite I've ever read." Remus said.

"I agree," James said.

"Let's read another one, I really want to erase this from my mind forever." Peter said.

The other marauders agreed, and they waited for the computer to select the next story.

* * *

**A/N: This badfic was actually SO MUCH FUN to write! The marauders reactions- not so much.**

**And thanks to everybody that has offered to write oneshots for me, I am so overwhelmed at the amount of offers I am receiving! You guys are awesome!**

**I really love the oneshots that people have written for me so far, and new ones are always welcome! Here are a few ideas of oneshots I would like to have the marauders react to, but don't have the capability to write myself:**

**-Sirius/Remus**

**-Sirius/Snape**

**-Dumbledore is Sirius' father**

**-Sirius and Remus are a gay couple and have dog/wolf cubs**

**-And any other CRAZY (or not, I really don't care!) ideas you come up with!**

**Any volunteers are AWESOME!**

**A big, BIG thank you to everybody that reviewed, favorited or followed! Reviews are always appreciated, as are the other two!**

**Also, I think I deserve a big round of applause, FOUR UPDATES IN ONE DAY! And this last chapter was super long! Best way of thanking me? Just favourite this story and review!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	7. The Master Pranks

"Right, this next one is called, "**The Master Pranks**, and it's by **Patronus12**. It doesn't include any description." Remus said hurriedly, shielding the laptop away from the others.

Sirius looked over Remus' shoulder, and smirked. "HA! The description is '**Go Padfoot!**'" he said smugly.

"The reason I didn't want to show you guys is because all this Fanfiction describing him as 'hot' non-stop really isn't doing anything good for his ego." muttered Remus to James.

"D'ya think the title is about me? It could have to meanings: the first one is that our pranks are master-class, the second one is that I am the master and I prank." Sirius said.

"You have three seconds to shut up."

"But I am a master in pranking-"

"Three-"

"And the summary is 'go Padfoot'-"

"Two-"

"So I'm guessing it's about me-"

"ONE!"

"Fine…" Sirius sulked. "But I get to read it!"

**"I'm bored," Sirius said.**

"Wow, that really is my infamous sentence."

**"That's nice," Peter said.**

"I like my reaction." Peter said. "I think I'll use it more often! I can picture it: 'I'm hungry!' Sirius will say, and I'll reply, 'That's nice,'. Or he'll tell me 'I want to prank Snape,' and I'll say, 'That's nice,'!"

**"Wanna prank?" James suggested.**

**Sirius grinned evily.**

"Never a good sign!"

**First, they got Dumbledore.**

"The marauders stared wide eyed at the computer. They had never gotten Dumbledore before, they had never even tried. McGonagall- sure. Filch- definitely. But Dumbledore- not a chance!

**No one knows what they did, or how they did it,**

"Usually the case with our pranks," Sirius said smugly.

**but during lunch, Dumbledore was standing on top of the staff table dancing the Macarena, covered from head to foot in an odd combination of raspberry pie, treacle tart, and pumpkin insides.**

This set off loads of reactions, all at once.

"Oh my gosh…"

"We'd be expelled for sure."

"What's the Macarena?"

"No idea, but it's a dance, and it sounds funny."

"Treacle tart is too good to be wasted on pranks!"

"I wish we could do that in real life!"

"I really wonder where these authors get these amazing ideas!"

**Next, they decided to do a prank call.**

"What's that?" Sirius asked.

"It's when you pretend to be someone else when you call." James clarified. The other three stared at him. "What?"

"How do you know that?" Remus asked.

"My cousin and I called my aunt once pretending to be the minister of magic. Needless to say, she didn't believe it."

"And what's the point in that?"

"Shits and giggles?" James shrugged, to which the others laughed

**They stole Lily's muggle phone and dialed Voldemort's**

Peter winced at the name.

**number.**

"Wait, Voldemort has a phone?"

**Yes, Voldemort has a phone.**

"Ah, okay."

**"The Dark Lord speaking."**

"It would be highly interesting to hear Voldemort speak on the phone, but I doubt that he would use such a muggle invention, seeing as he is so anti-muggles." Remus said thoughtfully.

"Remus, when will you learn not to try to see sense in Fanfiction?" Sirius said.

**"You suck!" Sirius barked into the phone.**

"And your originality always amazes me, Padfoot." James said.

"Shut it, I'm talking to Voldemort on Evan's phone. Are you that cool in this Fanfiction?"

**"Yeah Voldy, stop looking like such a constipated poo face**

James laughed, whilst Peter and Remus glanced around somewhat nervously.

**trying to murder people cuz some day you're gonna fail and die!" James laughed.**

Sirius and James chuckled, but Remus was looking a little worried, and Peter had gone pale.

**Then Peter and Remus both blew a raspberry and hung up. Lily had just walked in.**

"Oh-oh,"

**"YOU GUYS! YOU STOLE MY PHONE AND SPIT ALL OVER IT!"**

"Why did we spit all over it?"

"When Remus and Peter blew a raspberry."

"That must have been one sticky raspberry!" Sirius laughed.

**The Marauders smirked.**

"Oh yeah!"

**Time for the third prank, and who is better to do it on than Snivellus?**

"Exactly!"

"I wonder what we'll do!"

**They snuck up behind him in the halls and screamed in his ear, "WANT SOME SHAMPOOOOO?"**

"We've done that before!" James said, high-fiving Sirius.

**Snape screamed like a girl**

"I must say, his reaction in this one is funnier than the one in real life!" Sirius laughed.

**and proceeded to run in circles still screaming.**

"I'd pay good money to see that!" James said.

**The Marauders used him as target practice for their silly string. Once Snape was covered in it, they ran up to him and started throwing bananas, tomatoes, and shampoo at him, screaming "BOTHER! BOTHER!"**

The marauders all laughed. "What d'ya think he'd do if we did that in real life?" Sirius asked James.

"Erm, hex us and report us to Minnie?" James said.

"I like Fanfiction!Snape better…" Sirius grumbled.

**During the next hour, they did multiple things. They turned him green, decided they didn't like it, turned him purple, decided they didn't like that either, turned him a mixture of purple AND green,**

Sirius was struggling to read by now, because he was laughing so hard.

James was howling, rolling around on the couch laughing, and even Remus and Peter were laughing loudly.

**shoved Veritaserum down his throat, forced him to answer a bunch of embarrasing and hilarious questions,**

Sirius couldn't read anymore, and he handed the laptop to Remus between chuckles.

**turned him into a sparkly pink unicorn,**

Sirius and James had tears of laughter running down their cheeks. "Oh, the mental images!" Sirius howled.

"Yeah- Snivelly as a pink unicorn!" James said, clutching his side.

"And- oh- those embarrassing questions!"

"I wish they'd told us what they were!"

"And him being pink and colourful!"

**and somehow made him skip away singing "It's a Small World After All"**

Even though none of the marauders had any idea what song that was, the thought of Snape singing made them laugh even harder.

**at the top of his lungs in a high pitched voice. To this day, no one knows how.**

**They were laughing so hard on the way up to the common room that night that they could only say one thing before going to bed.**

**Best. Prank. Day. EVER!**

Sirius wiped his eyes, and gave a few final chuckles. "I liked that one!" He said. "I like the way they portrayed Snivelly."

Remus rolled his eyes at him. "I think all this Fanfiction is bad for you- it's giving you bad ideas!"

"Me? Never!" Sirius said, folding his eyes. "But I really feel like hexing Snivellus right now, don't you, Prongs?"

"Yeah! Shall we go?"

Remus quickly said, "Oh, let's read another one!"

Sirius and James reluctantly sat down.

"Okay, so this one looks interesting…"

* * *

**A/N: So! That's the end of the chapter! A big thanks to Breeze from Patronus12 for this hilarious oneshot! Sirius and James really liked it!**

**If anybody wants to send me oneshots, then don't hesitate to do so! No matter how bad they are, all are welcome! And I'm still looking for volunteers for these: Sirius/Snape, Sirius/Remus wolf cubs, and if someone wants to do a Remus' twin sister? And it can be a Mary Sue, but no ****_too _****Sueish, because I've got more of them coming! So stay tuned! And in the Remus' twin sister, it should be shipping Sirius/OC!**

**Right, thanks for reading, and thank you to everyone who favorited and followed, and to the people that REVIEWED!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	8. Sex Ed with Paris

_"__This one looks intresting…"_

"Why? Read the title and the summary!" Sirius told Remus.

"Well, the title is **Sex ed. With Paris**, and the description is **Dumbledore decides that the population of Hogwarts should no longer be ignorant, so he gets a ****_very _****special guest to teach them about birds and bees!**"

"Wait, why is the title 'Sex ed. With Paris?' shouldn't it be 'in Paris?'" James asked.

"Erm, either it's a grammer mistake, or…" Sirius trailed off, unsure.

"Well, shall we read it?" James asked. "I'll read, okay?"

**"What have we got first?"**

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked.

"Obviously they're referring to classes. Just keep reading, Prongs." Remus said.

**asked James around a mouth full of bacon.**

"Nice…" Sirius said, pulling a face.

**"Care of Magical Creatures," said Sirius, swallowing his eggs.**

"Nice…" James said, sticking his tongue out at Sirius.

"Real mature," Remus commented.

**"And then?" asked James.**

**Sirius glanced at his timetable and choked slightly.**

"Let's bet what we have!" Sirius said, causing Remus to roll his eyes.

"I bet we have History of Magic with Slytherin." Sirius said.

"I bet we have double Potions with Slytherin." Peter said.

"I bet we have Arithmacy." James said, shrugging. "Although I don't take that class, it sounds tricky, and Fanfiction!me might take it."

Remus shook his head. "You guys really are a group of dumbasses. Honestly. It's so obvious!"

Sirius frowned. "Why, do you know?"

Remus nodded, and James continued reading, before a full-fledged argument broke out between the two.

**James helpfully pounded him on the back until he stopped coughing.**

**"Thanks," wheezed Sirius, taking a large drink of Pumpkin Juice.**

**"So, what have we got?" said James.**

**Sirius didn't reply. Instead, he simply pushed his timetable towards his friend.**

**James grabbed the parchment and quickly scanned down the lists.**

**"Here it is!" he said. "Second class – SEX EDUCATION?!"**

The four marauders burst out laughing.

"But Hogwarts doesn't even have Sex Ed!" Remus said.

"D'ya really expect them to care?" Sirius said.

"Moony, how did you know what class it would be?" Peter asked.

"It was in the title…" Remus said.

"Oh- oops." Sirius said.

**The occupants of the Great Hall moved as one to stare at James.**

"That would look funny!"

**James looked up in confusion.**

**"Since when do we have Sex Ed?" he asked.**

"What I've been wondering!" Remus said.

**Dumbledore rose from his seat at the head of the Staff Table.**

"Enter: Dumbledore!" Sirius said.

**"Since today!" he beamed.**

The marauders laughed again.

**"****Why?" asked James.**

**Dumbledore shrugged.**

"Great reason!" Peter chuckled.

**"Shits and giggles," he replied.**

"Oh my goodness, Dumbledore says it too!" James said, staring at the screen. Then he promptly burst out laughing.

**XXX**

**James looked around the classroom nervously. The entire sixth year was squished in the room and nerves were already being stepped on.**

"I can imagine…" Sirius said.

**Sirius checked his watch.**

**"****They're late," he whispered.**

"Who's they?" Peter wondered.

"No idea…"

**James nodded.**

**Suddenly, the door opened. The class waited with baited breath for their professor to appear.**

**However, the person who entered the room was a far cry from what any of them were expecting.**

"I who it is…" Peter said.

"Shut up, and you'll find out soon enough!" Sirius snapped.

**An extremely skinny young woman with blonde hair strutted into the classroom, carrying with her a tiny little dog in a pink jumper.**

**"Who the hell is that?" muttered Sirius.**

**"If you squint, she looks like a horse!" whispered James happily.**

James laughed.

**"Oh, and that hair is so totally bleached," said Lucius Malfoy, patting his own hair with satisfaction.**

The other three marauders also started laughing.

**"Like, OMG!" said their Professor. "Isn't this hawt?!"**

Remus promptly stopped laughing, but the other three continued.

"Wait, who's our Professor?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

**"Who are you?" asked Remus.**

"Wow. Fanfiction never fails to surprise me!" Remus said.

**"You, like, don't know who I am?" said the woman angrily.**

"Nope!" said Remus, amused.

**Remus, along with the majority of the class, shook their heads.**

**Their professor pouted and then quickly crossed her ankles and put one hand on her hip.**

**"Paris Hilton," she smiled.**

"Who's that?" Sirius asked.

"No idea- probably some superficial muggle model or something, judging by how she speaks." Remus said.

**"DIE!" cried Lily Evans from the back of the classroom, pointing her wand at the blonde.**

"Lily Evans kicks butt." James laughed.

"Go get her, Lily!" Sirius yelled.

**But, to her shock, the spell simply dissolved, leaving Hilton untouched.**

"Wait, what?"

**"Yeah, right," said Professor Hilton, "there's, like, wards and stuff in here. Duh."**

"Duh." Sirius chuckled.

**Lily blocked her ears.**

**"LA LA LA LA LA!" she sung loudly. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"**

"This is good!" James said, laughing.

**"****Like, whatEVA," sniffed Hilton.**

**"You're the one teaching us Sex Ed?" asked Peter, sounding as though he was dreading the answer.**

"Yep, I would be!" Peter said.

**Hilton beamed.**

"Oh-oh!"

**Peter shrunk down in his chair.**

**"OMG! Like, totally!" beamed the professor. "Let's have a practical! Like, right now!"**

The marauder's eyes widened.

**The eyes of the sixth years widened to a size that had previously been thought physically impossible.**

**Professor Hilton flicked her hair and posed.**

**"Any volunteers?"**

"I bet Moony is going to volunteer!" Sirius smirked.

"Prat…" muttered Remus, smacking Sirius' arm.

**Remus began wondering if he could break through the window.**

"HA! Fat chance of me volunteering!" Remus laughed.

"You'll see… I bet it'll be you!"

**Hilton scanned the rows of students.**

**"I pick …" she drawled, "you!"**

"REMUS!" shouted Sirius.

"JAMES!" shouted Peter.

"MALFOY!" shouted Remus.

"EVANS!" shouted James. The others stared at him.

"What?" he shrugged. "It'd be totally hot!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It'll be Remus. Just trust me on this."

"What makes you so sure?" Remus asked.

"I know how these author's minds work." Sirius said.

Remus scowled.

**She beamed and placed her hand on Sirius' shoulder.**

"HA! YEAH!" Remus shouted, punching the air.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sirius yelled. "WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!"

Peter and James were laughing so hard that James fell off the couch.

**All four Marauders raised their wands and pointed them at their Professor.**

"Phew," Sirius said. "Thank Merlin you guys are such loyal friends."

The other three scowled.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing… I just wanted you to get embarrassed by the Sex Ed. Teacher…"

**Hilton withdrew her hand hastily.**

"Shame…" Peter said.

"I hate you guys." Sirius said.

**"Not hawt," she pouted, "whatEVA. Where's my dawg?"**

The marauders' eyes widened again.

"This isn't good…" James said.

"Not good at all…" Sirius agreed.

**Bellatrix paled.**

"Wait, why is Bellatrix in our class?" Sirius asked. "She's two years older than us!"

The others shrugged.

"I hope this isn't going where I think it is…" Remus mumbled.

**Avery covered his eyes.**

**Hilton dragged the dog out from underneath her desk**

The marauders started looking nervous.

**and began rummaging around in the handbag attached to its collar.**

"Pfew…" Sirius sighed.

"Thank goodness," James agreed.

"I thought for a moment…" Peter trailed off.

"Don't be too relieved yet," Remus warned them. "The chapter isn't over yet!"

**The class breathed a deep sigh of relief.**

**"Hawt!" announced Hilton, waving a small disk above her head.**

"What would that be?" Sirius asked.

**"What's that?" asked Sirius nervously.**

"I love Fanfiction!" Sirius sighed.

**"Like, my new, totally hawt, DVD!"**

"What's a DVD?" Peter asked.

The other three shrugged.

**proclaimed Hilton. "Ten Guys Go To Paris!"**

**Fabian Prewett threw up.**

"Why's Fabian in our class? He's a year older than us!"

"Sirius, when will you learn that these authors don't care?"

**Hilton quickly inserted the disk into the conveniently located DVD player.**

**Remus raced across the room, and, with a leap to shame a toad, jumped through the glass window.**

"Oh," Remus said.

**"Great Merlin!" exclaimed Narcissa Black. "We're nine stories up!"**

"Looks like you died, Moony," Sirius said casually. Remus glared at him.

**But the class was distracted from the fate of their classmate by the opening music of the DVD.**

"I feel so touched." Remus said.

**"Save me, daddy," whimpered Lucius Malfoy.**

Sirius opened his mouth, but James cut him off. "Yes, Sirius, we know that Malfoy isn't in our class. You don't have to say it."

"Actually, I wanted to say that I would like to see that!" Sirius said indignantly.

**Lily jumped onto her desk.**

**"Quick!" she exclaimed. "If you value your innocence, your sense of naivety,**

The marauders snorted.

**and your breakfast – kill that woman!"**

"As always, Evans comes to the rescue." James chuckled.

**Hilton laughed.**

**"Like, you can't!" she said.**

**"We can't use magic!" cried Bellatrix. "We can't defeat her!"**

**Lily pointed at Hilton dramatically.**

**"Use the chairs!"**

"See?"

**Hilton began to look nervous as the sixth years rose and picked up their chairs.**

**"Not hawt," she whispered, stepping slowly towards the door.**

**"Attack!" cried Lily.**

**"EEEEEEE!" screamed their professor.**

**XXXXXX**

**Professor Dumbledore tapped his glass for silence as he stood.**

**"I'm very sorry to announce the death of our Sexual Education professor, Miss Paris Hilton," he said gravely,**

"So we killed her?" asked Peter doubtfully.

James shrugged, and said, "I guess…"

**"it appears that while attempting to run from her classroom she tripped and fell, causing all of her arms and legs to fall off."**

"Woah… Is that possible, Moony?" James asked.

Sirius was the one to answer. "Everything is possible in Fanfiction…"

**The Headmaster looked seriously at his students over his half-moon glasses.**

**"We don't know why she was running," he said, "but take this as a warning to you all: it is not hot to not eat."**

"So she was so thin all her arms and legs fell off when she tripped. That clears up a lot!" Remus said.

**The students all nodded solemnly.**

**"****Poor Paris!" wailed Professor Binns, attempting to stroke the recently decesed's dog.**

"That is something I'd definitely like to see!" James laughed.

**Remus (who had managed to survive the fall with a few scratches) raised an eyebrow.**

"So I didn't die!" Remus said.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "A little more celebration, perhaps?" he said.

"Yay?"

**"****Whimper," said the dog.**

"Oh, the infamous dog survived too!" Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

**Sirius rolled his eyes.**

Sirius looked amused. "I liked this Fanfiction!" he said.

"Yeah, it was amusing," Remus agreed.

"Let's read the next one!" Peter said, eager for more.

* * *

**A/N: I DON'T OWN THIS 'ONESHOT'! It was taken from Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom, by **: **Tabesco Lamnia Lammina Lamna! Make sure to check it out, it is AWESOME! Oh, and may I add that this is from chapter 20, and that I took this without permission (but PSSSST!), however since they have not been active since 2009, I'm not sure how I could have asked them. And, also, I changed the characters. For example, James was Harry, Sirius was Ron (well, technically, Ronnie, but it's a long story), and other characters were changed, too. Really, you should check it out.**

**Also, do you guys want Lily to come anytime soon? Let me know in the reviews! And should I introduce an OC as Lily's friend? Also, ANY ONESHOTS BY YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!**

**Okay, after that rather long note, I'll sign off for now. See you guys soon, and an extra big thank you to everybody that followed, favourited and REVIEWED! Seriously, I decided to update today instead of on Friday because of you guys! D'ya see The Power of The Reviews™? Yeah, I seriously just TM'ed that! Deal with it!**

**Right, the authors just got a lot longer. Oh, and I remembered: I actually wanted to make Paris Hilton Reeta Skeeter, since the marauders have no clue who Paris is, but I decided to leave it as it is. What d'ya think? Should I change it?**

**Now, for realsies, guys. Byeeee!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	9. Vamp-tastic

"So, this next one is called **Vamp-tastic**, what do you think?" Remus said.

"Bring it on!" Sirius said, stretching on the sofa.

**My name is Dakota Moonstar Johnsen Dracula Blood-red Drake.**

The marauders groaned.

"Great, another Mary Sue…"

**Don't blame me for my hideous name, it was my idiotic father that named me like that.**

"Wait, she's starting to sound less Sue-ish, don't you think?" Peter said.

**It was vampire**

"Vampire?"

**etiquette to give your children stupid, long, 'meaningful' names,**

"Sounds like my family and their names," Sirius said.

**like we were living Mary Sues, or something.**

Four jaws fell open.

"Wait, did it really say that?" Remus asked, his eyes wide.

"Yep," James, who was reading, replied. For good measure, he reread the sentence.

"Wicked." Sirius said.

**This is my story. The tale begins on September the first, 1977…**

**As I walked down the platform on platform 9 and three quarters, I glanced around nervously. It was my first day at Hogwarts, and I was going to start my seventh year. I was from America, but when my dad moved here, I needed to come too.**

"So far, it's surprisingly normal!" Sirius said. "Except for the transfer student bit that seems to be so popular in the Fanfiction universe, it seems good!"

**My mum was dead,**

"Oh, I spoke to soon. Will she turn into a Mary Sue?" Sirius wondered.

**my dad had killed her.**

"Wow, this just got a lot more complicated." James said. "So her dad is a murderer that killed her mum… Interesting."

**He was a vampire,**

"Oh."

**and, one day, she had cut herself on a piece of glass, and he couldn't help himself- he bit her.**

"Well, as barbaric as this seems, it's better than him being a human murderer. Like this it's clear that he can't help himself." Remus said, thinking of himself in werewolf form. He would feel terrible if he would kill someone by accident, but he wouldn't have been able to help it. He would never forgive himself, though.

**She had not survived the transformation into a vampire, she had died.**

**I couldn't tell anybody what I was- a half-vampire.**

**I had begged my dad to not come, he would attract too much attention.**

"I'm not surprised, imagine standing there with a vampire, and being all 'bye dad!'" Peter said.

**So, now I had been forced to come alone.**

**I saw an attractive blond standing on the platform.**

"Oh, I really hope she doesn't turn into a Mary Sue, I was beginning to like her!" James said.

"Why would she turn into a Mary Sue if she saw an attractive blond?" Peter asked.

"Because then the blond would start hitting on her, and she would have really complicated love triangles and…" he trailed off. "I just hope he doesn't turn her into one."

**_Yummy, _****I thought.**

"Am I the only one that thinks this is disturbing seeing as she is a vampire?" Peter inquired.

"Nope, I noticed too."

**I was immediately horrified with myself, and I mentally slapped me.**

"Ah, and it seems like she noticed too."

**He saw me staring at him with a hungry glint in my eyes,**

"Creepy,"

**and immediately took it the wrong way. He gave me a seductive smile**

"Don't turn into a Sue," James begged the laptop.

**(that made me want to retch)**

"Phew,"

**and came over.**

"Crap."

**"****Hello," he said in a silky voice. He was attractive, but as soon as I caught a wiff of him, my mouth began to water.**

**I had never been in a place with so many humans, so I was having trouble controlling my hunger.**

"I thought, when she mentioned the fact that she was a half-vampire, that the plot would be dull, but this is surprisingly good writing. For a Fanfiction, I mean." Remus said.

**"****Hello," I replied, trying my best to not breathe in his delicious scent.**

**"****Who are you? I've never seen you around, and if I would have, trust me, I would remember." He said, running a hand through his platinum hair.**

"I think this is Lucius Malfoy," Sirius said. "Y'know, he's engaged to my cousin Narcissa. He's a few years older than us."

**"****Dakota," I managed to choke out.**

**"****Lucius Malfoy,"**

"Told you!"

**he said smoothly, stretching his hand out for me to shake.**

**I stared down at it. I quickly calculated the risks. ****_If I shake his hand I might not be able to control myself, and I can't go to Hogwarts._**

Remus frowned. "I don't like that train of thought. _If I can't control myself I can't go to Hogwarts. _How about the fact that you KILL SOMEONE if you can't control yourself?"

**_If I don't, he will hate me._**

"Wow, I wonder what to do… Risk him hating me or risk me killing him…" Remus said sarcastically.

**I quickly grabbed his hand, shook it once, and dropped it. He looked very confused, but quickly managed to conceal it.**

**"****So, sweetheart," he said twirling a strand of my black hair around his finger.**

"Oh no, she's sounding Sue-ish again!" James said.

"Shut up, James! Just trust the author to not make Dakota into a Sue."

**I wanted to move away, I mean, what kind of a creep was he?**

"See? The author obviously hates Sues, and is sort of making fun of them!"

**I had only just met him!**

**Thank goodness, I was saved. Four boys were walking along the platform, laughing.**

"Enter: The Marauders."

**One, a good looking one with grey eyes, winked at me.**

"Great, I'm a flirting man-whore again." Sirius grumbled.

"Hey, who was telling me about trusting the author?" James said.

**I tried not to glare at him, and I tried to stop the fantasies starting.**

Sirius smirked. "Dakota, sweetheart, I have that effect on girls. Don't worry, you're not the only one who has fallen to the charms of Sirius Black."

**It wouldn't be a good idea to think about drinking his blood,**

"Such romantic fantasies, Padfoot." James laughed.

"So she's fantasizing about drinking his blood?" Peter asked.

"Yep. Padfoot can have that effect on girls, you know."

Sirius scowled.

**I might lose control. Wouldn't want to kill anybody on my first day, after all.**

"Her intelligence astonished me." Remus said.

**"****Malfoy, lay off her, you creep!" a brown haired one with hazel eyes yelled. He was immediately my new hero.**

"Why, thank you!" James smiled.

**Malfoy (I had forgotten his first name already), stepped back and glared at the four boys.**

**I was worrying that a full-fledged fight might break out, but some of Malfoy's friends called him over. **

**"****Thanks!" I told my new best friends.**

"Wait, what?"

**Not.**

"Okay, good. No matter how cool this chick is, it's a bit much to call us best friends after three minutes."

**But still, they were pretty cool.**

"Aw, thanks!" Sirius said, pretending to be bashful.

**"****Hey, anytime!" Sirius told me, giving me another wink. Gross.**

James burst out laughing. "Yeah, she really likes you, Sirius. Not."

**_Okay, the other three are my best friends. This guy is a total, flirting, gross, delicious smelling creep. _****I decided.**

Sirius' scowl deepened.

**"****So, what's your name?" asked one sandy haired guy.**

**"****Dakota Drake." I told him, smiling a closed-lipped smile. After all, if I would give him a proper smile, my pretty little fangs ****_might _****just pop out. We wouldn't want any accidents, after all.**

"I like her." James said. "She isn't a Mary Sue, she is sarcastic, witty and a half-vampire that doesn't fall head over heels in Padfoot."

**"****Hey, Dakota," the good looking, nice smelling creep said.**

**_Is that dude retarded? _****I thought. ****_He said 'hi' to me already, and he's saying it again?_**

"I don't like her." Sirius decided. "She is being really mean to me!"

"Yeah, only because she is the first female OC to not fall in love with you immediately." Remus said.

**"****Hey," I said, raising an eyebrow. He looked taken aback.**

**_Obviously he always gets what he wants when it comes to girls. _****I thought.**

"HA! Spot on, Dakota!"

**"****So, d'ya want to find a compartment to sit it, with us?" James asked.**

**"****Sure!" I said, grabbing my trunk with false cheeriness. It was super heavy, but I also had super-strong vampire arms, remember.**

**"****Didn't your parents come?" the first one asked.**

**_Stupid prat needs to learn to mind his own business. _****I thought.**

"I'm starting to think that she fancies me, and is just in denial." Sirius said thoughtfully.

The other three exchanged looks.

"He just wants to make himself feel better," James whispered loudly to Remus.

**"****No," I said, without any further explanation.**

**He looked surprised, and I felt inexplicably happier. ****_Being mean to humans is one of my favourite past-times, _****I thought. Actually, it wasn't, this was the first time I had attempted it. However, it was fun, so I decided it would be.**

"That's not very nice, though." Remus said.

**I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror,**

"Don't be a Mary Sue!"

**and winced. I was a lanky**

James breathed a sigh of relief. If she didn't have perfect curves, she wouldn't become a Sue anytime soon.

**seventeen year old half-vampire, with too-pale skin and black eyes that flashed red when I was angry. No, it's not cool. If I ever get angry, people think I'm a psychopathic freak. I would rather have nice, normal blue eyes. In fact, I'd rather not be a half-vampire, but, alas, we can't always get what we want.**

"I'm liking her more and more."

**Unlike my mother, who had been beautiful, I was only mildly pretty. My lips were nice and red, but other than that, I had no really cool features. The only reason why boys liked me was because there was something mysterious and attracting about me.**

"Makes sense, seeing as she isn't a Mary Sue, but Malfoy still flirted with her."

**I sighed as I looked around at the four boys I was sitting in a compartment with. I missed my old friends already.**

**It was going to be a long year…**

"And that's the end." James said. "No, wait, there's still an author's note!"

**A/N: Next time, see how Dakota likes Hogwarts, see Sirius' fruitless attempts at flirting with her,**

"Look forward to that,"

**and see a very surprising opening feast!**

"Doesn't sound half bad!" Peter said.

"Shall we read another one?" Sirius asked.

"No. It's nearly midnight, and we have classes tomorrow." Remus said. "Let's read more tomorrow afternoon"

The other three looked disappointed, but it was true, they needed to go to class tomorrow.

"Fine," said Sirius, and he carefully closed the laptop, picked it up, and trudged up the stairs.

* * *

**A/N: Shall Lily be in the next chapter? Review! Do you want another chapter of Dakota? Review! Do you want to make me really happy and inspired to write more? REVIEW!**

**Until next time, and a big thank-you to everyone that reviewed, favourited and followed,**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	10. MOTHER!

**A/N: This oneshot is going to be rather dark. You have been warned. Although, on a more positive note, Lily will finally arrive!**

Remus rubbed his eyes tiredly. The four marauders had not been able to go to sleep for a long time, even after they had gone to bed. Especially Remus, who had been tossing and turning until dawn. He had not been able to wrap his head around the fact that Sirius had stolen a futuristic device, not to mention the fact that on the device there were stories about them.

"Fermis Drachum," he mumbled to the fat lady. She swung forward to reveal James and Sirius having a rather loud argument.

"I can't believe you told her!" Sirius shouted at James.

"Why shouldn't I? Those stories are just as much about her as about us!"

"Yeah, then why don't you just go and tell Snivellus as well? He's in them too!"

"Well, _sorry _if I-"

"What's going on?" Remus interrupted.

Sirius started talking before James could even open his mouth. "_James _told Lily about the stories. He spent the entire free period explaining everything to her, whilst I was doing homework!" Remus raised an eyebrow. "Erm, I mean, whilst I was copying your Trasfiguration essay!"

"So, what's the problem?" Remus asked.

"But- well- I mean…" Sirius spluttered.

"I know Lily, and I know that she wouldn't report us to Dumbledore. I also know that she would enjoy reading those stories as much as we do. In fact, I think we should read them now, with her." Remus said.

Sirius started to protest, but Remus and James had already marched up to the dormitory.

Remus carefully took the laptop from the table, and put it in his bag.

"Let's find Lily." He said.

Meanwhile, Peter and Sirius were in the common room. Lily walked through the portrait hole with a few of her friends, immediately spotted Peter and Sirius, and went over to them.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi." Sirius replied, still cross with James for giving away their secret.

Thankfully, before the situation got any more awkward, James and Remus walked down the stairs. The two boys spotted her, and walked over.

"Hi Lily!" Remus said cheerfully. He turned to the others. "Shall we go to the empty classroom on the fourth floor, near the tapestry of Ulk Umbert's adventures?"  
The others agreed (although Sirius was still cross, he didn't want to miss out on any more stories).

* * *

"So, Lily, I trust James explained the situation to you?" Peter asked.

Lily nodded. "And he gave me a _detailed _description of each story. So, yes, I know about Fanfiction now."

"Good. This story is called **Mother?!**, and it list's Remus and Lily as the protagonists. I'll read it, shall I?" Peter said.

**Remus Lupin woke up on a Monday morning in July.**

**"****Mummy?" he asked sleepily.**

"I don't call my mum 'mummy', I promise!" Remus said when the others looked at him.

**Lily Lupin**

"Remus, you had better not be married to Lily in this!" James said, looking pointedly at Remus.

"Hey," Remus said, raising his hands in defence. "I think we established that we can't help who we are in Fanfiction!"

**came into the room. "Hello, munchkin!"**

"Oh my gosh… The horrid pet names!" Sirius said, wincing.

**"****Mourning, Mummy!"**

This took a moment to sink in.

"Wait a moment, so Lily, who is younger than me, is suddenly my MOTHER?" Remus asked.

"Seems like it!" Peter said. He had already read ahead, and he could hardly wait to see the other's reaction.

"Oh. I see. And, not to mention the fact that that would be absolutely impossible, I seem to have _really _weird pet names for you." Lily said. Although James had given her an exact description of the Fanfiction the other's had read, she had not been fully prepared for this.

**"****I'll go and make you a cup of tea!" she said, giving him a quick kiss on the head.**

"This is just _so _weird." Lily said.

**It might seem weird that Remus Lupin was seventeen years old, exactly the age that Lily Lupin looked.**

"Yes, that is weird. Very weird, in fact."

**Lily was in fact over eighty,**

"Wait, what?" Lily said.

"Lily, it's Fanfiction. We've learned to just go with it. The authors usually explain it, and if they don't, it doesn't really matter, anyway." Sirius said.

**but, thanks to magical resources, she still looked like a young girl.**

"I know that good magical resources exist, but I really doubt that it would be possible for an eighty year old woman to look like a seventeen year old." Lily said.

**She was very protective of her little 'Remi-poo',**

Remus winced at the ridiculous pet name.

**in fact, she had insisted on going to Hogwarts as well, so that she could watch him 24/7.**

"You are a really creepy mother." Sirius said, looking at Lily.

"Hey, I though we agreed that we have no influence on what these authors write about us.

**If a girl ever even dared to look at her 'baby sugarplum', Lily quickly ****_took care _****of them.**

"That… That sounds really scary, Lily." James said.

"Is it only me that has the impression that Lily 'offs' Remus' love interests?" Sirius said.

"Lily, are you or are you not my secret mother?" Remus asked seriously.

"I- er, I'm not!" Lily said.

"Good." He said with a straight face. When he saw Lily's confused expression, though, he burst out laughing.

"Don't worry, Lily. I don't think that you are really my mum." He told her.

**If a teacher dared to give her 'dolly pie' any trouble, she quickly made sure that they ****_couldn't do that anymore._**

"Wow. So Lily is a stalking, over-protective, psychopathic mother." Sirius said.

**Now, Lily was starting to worry about her 'little sugarquills' friends. She thought they were being a bad influence, so she had decided to ****_put a stop_**** to that.**

"Oh gosh. Lily, are you planning to kill us?"

"I'm not, no, but you'd better ask Fanfiction!me." She said.

**"****Re-re!" she called. Her son came down the stairs. "I made you breakfast!" she told him, giving him a hug. "Honey-bunny,**

"Lily gives shitty pet-names." Sirius stated.

"If I ever have kids, I swear that I'll not call them any of the thus far mentioned." Lily said.

**I really want you to be a good boy today. I want to ask you something: ****_where are your friends_****?"**

"Don't tell her, Remus!"

**Remus replied innocently, "Well, Sirius and James are at James' place, and Peter is in Spain."**

"Pfew, I'm in Spain. Finally a Fanfiction that doesn't hate me, kill me or casually forget to mention me." Peter said.

"What about us? A eighty year old, psychopathic Lily is coming to kill us!" James said.

**Lily was silent for a moment. "Erm, thanks, my little Wolfikins."**

Remus was thankful that he had told Lily about his 'furry little problem' before, or the situation could have gotten awkward quickly.

**She went upstairs, taking her ****_emergency kit_**

"Oh, oh."

**out of the secret corner of her closet.**

**She pulled on a pair of leather gloves, and took her razor-sharp knife out of the kit.**

"This is where she turns into a real psycho." Peter warned.

Lily asked, "Can't we stop reading? I can't tell you how weird it is to read about myself like this…"

"Sorry, no-can-do, sweetheart. You have to finish reading one if you want to see the next one!"

**She ran her index finger along the blade,**

"Oh my gosh. I'm really freaking myself out right now." Lily said.

**creating a small, red cut, with drops of blood flowing out.**

**She put her finger to her nose, and inhaled deeply.**

"I am beginning to regret James telling me about all this Fanfiction. I think I'm losing sanity already!"

"I'm sorry that you had to start with such a creepy, dark one. Some of them are great, really!" Sirius said.

**Then she put her finger in her mouth, and sucked on it, her eyes closed in bliss.**

Everyone looked pretty disturbed, even Peter, who had already read ahead.

**"****Mum?" Remus' voice came from downstairs.**

**"****Coming, my delicious pumpkin pie!"**

"She _had _to say 'delicious pumpkin pie' whilst she was sucking on her own blood through a wound she created.

**She stuffed the knife into her handbag, and put the gloves in as well. Using her wand, she repaired the cut on the index finger of the glove, and healed her wound.**

"Erm, right. The next part is really dark. I think I'll just read it quickly." Peter said, looking worried.

**When she ****_took care of people_****, she didn't use bloodless spells. Those were not satisfying enough for her. She wanted to see that blood flow from the wounds, she wanted to see the mangled body after she was finished with them. She wanted to see them scream in pain, she wanted to hear the flesh rip when she ran the knife through them.**

Lily looked absolutely horrified. Sirius was looking appalled, James and Remus were looking shocked and Peter was looking worried, he was glancing around at the others nervously.

"I- I… This is horrible. Absolutely horrifyingly horrible." She said.

James sat down next to her, and took her hand. She didn't take it away, as she might have on a normal day, but instead she let him comfort her.

Sirius said, "So, how about we quickly finish this one,"

"There are only about five sentences left," Peter added.

"And then read something really happy."

Lily nodded. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that some people would write and read that sort of thing for fun.

James squeezed her hand, and she smiled at him weakly.

Peter cleared his throat. "Er, I'll continue reading, then."

**"****My little baby wolf?" she shouted from upstairs.**

**"****Yes mum?" Remus called from below.**

**"****Mummy needs to go out for a while! Be a good little baby wolf!" she shouted.**

**She then grabbed her broom, and flew out of it, already imagining the blood she would soon see.**

**The End- Or is it?**

"It's over." Peter said, letting himself relax.

"Let's read another one!" Sirius said with false cheerfulness, trying to get rid of the awkward atmosphere that had now settled down on them.

"Okay," Lily agreed. "Anything is better than this."

And so the group waited, hoping that the computer would choose a nice, happy Fanfiction that they could all laugh at.

* * *

**A/N: It's not funny. Not at all. Sorry that this chapter was so dark, but I was browsing around for inspiration, and I discovered a horrible, horrible, disgusting Fanfiction, one that was even worse than this. The concept was the same, except that Hermione was Neville's psychopathic mum.**

**I really felt sick after reading it…**

**Anyway, I promise that next chapter will be happy again, I just really wanted to show how ****_wrong _****this is, and so this dark Fanfiction was born. Please Review any suggestions you might have!**

**Also, thank you to everyone that summoned The Power of The Review™, and made me want to update fast. Also, thank you to everyone who favourited and followed!**

**Love you all, and see you next time with a funny oneshot!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**

**P.S: any of your oneshots are always welcome!**


	11. Dialogue

Sirius placed the device on his lap. "So, this one is called **Dialogue **and this is the description: **Dialogue between Sirius and Remus. Remus loves his chocolate. No slash.** What do you think?"

"Bring it on!" Said Remus, rubbing his eyes. He looked at Lily, who was still looking disturbed by the last Fanfiction, and he felt sorry that the scariest Fanfiction they had encountered so far had to be the one Lily started with.

**"****Remus!"**

**"****Yes, Sirius"**

"Ah, and the bad grammar starts already. And it looks like it's here to stay."

"Shall we just ignore it?" Peter asked.

"Might as well. And I don't really feel like having to point out the missing comma's every other sentence." Remus said.

**"****I'm hungry"**

"As always." James said.

**"****Go get some food from the kitchens"**

**"****No. I'm too lazy"**

"Ha. I'm glad to see Sirius is in character: Annoying and lazy."

**"****Please leave me alone I need to work"**

"Remus is in character, too."

**"****Whatcha doin'?"**

Sirius wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I would never, _ever _say that. Never."

**"****None of your business"**

**"****Please tell me! I'm bored"**

**"****Fine. I'm doing the transfiguration essay due tomorrow"**

"That was such a big secret." Remus said. "I wonder why I didn't just tell him in the first place."

**"****Oh cool. I've finished that already"**

"I bet you didn't," Lily said, recovering from the last Fanfiction.

"Bet I have." Sirius said sulkily. "I do my homework!"

Lily raised an eyebrow at him.

"Fine, I sometimes do my homework. I'm just usually too busy! I can't help it that I have better things to do!"

"Like what?" Lily asked.

"Like pranking, eating, sleeping, chasing girls, more pranking, and the list goes on…"

**"****No you haven't"**

**"****I bet I have!"**

**"****Bet you haven't"**

**"****Have too!"**

**"****Have not!"**

**"****Have too!"**

**"****Have not!"**

"Gosh, author, it's enough!" Remus said. "We've got the point!"

**"****Have too!"**

**"****Have not!"**

"Oh my gosh… Does she really think this is an interesting conversation?" Lily asked.

"And, more importantly, does she really thing that we have conversations like this?"

**"****Have too!"**

**"****Have not, now shut up and let me work already."**

"Finally."

**"****God Moony you are such a bore."**

**"****No, just because I do something with my life apart from shagging girls**

"I'M NOT A MAN-WHORE!" Sirius yelled at the laptop.

Lily sent a questioning look towards James.

"The authors seem to be under the impression that Sirius spends all his time shagging girls. One thought he had slept with all the girls from our year and the year above us, as well as half of the ones below up." James whispered.

"That doesn't even make sense, because that would mean that Sirius shagged Slytherins, and there is no way in hell that he would do that."

"Well, since when does Fanfiction make any sense?"

**doesn't make me a bore."**

**"…"**

"What's that supposed to mean?" Peter asked.

"I think it means silence." Remus said.

"Oh."

**"…"**

"Why do they have it again?"

"It means that I'm silent too."

**"…"**

**"…"**

**"…"**

"Gosh, that's enough, author!"

**"…"**

**"…"**

**"****Man Moony! You are so mean!"**

"Wait, so this is Sirius speaking?" James asked.

"Obviously," Sirius said.

"Wait, but if you count the number of 'silences', then it shows that it would be Moony's turn now." James said.

The group leant over to see the laptop, and counted, and saw that James was right.

"That's what happens when the author does so many that she forgets who's speaking."

"Hey, why are we automatically assuming that the author is a girl? It could be a boy as well!" Lily said.

"Because girls generally write more Fanfiction than boys. Also, a boy would know that two blokes would never have a conversation like this one. This is some preteen girl guessing what two Marauders talk about." James said.

"I don't think that you can be so sure, but fine." Lily said, letting the matter drop.

**"****God shut the fuck**

"Ooh, the f-bomb, Moony?" Sirius said. "Didn't know you had it in you!"

"Shut up."

**up Sirius!"**

**"****Please play with me!"**

"That sound's wrong."

**"****No I need to work!"**

**"****Please!"**

**"****No!"**

**"****Please!"**

**"****No!"**

"Oh, gosh, not one of these again." Remus said.

**"****Please!"**

**"****No!"**

**"****Please!"**

**"****No!"**

"Does the author really think we would talk like this?" Sirius said.

"Does the author really think this Fanfiction is interesting when it's like this?"

**"****Please!"**

**"****No."**

**"****Please!"**

**"****NO!"**

"STOP IT, author!"

**"****Please!"**

**"****SHUT UP!"**

**"****You are so mean, Moony. I hate you."**

**"****Good, now leave me alone."**

"Yup, good reaction, Moony.

**"****No"**

**"****Yes"**

**"****No"**

**"****Yes"**

Remus sighed. "Oh my goodness. This author has to be kidding me. I mean, really? Does she-" Lily gave a pointed cough, "Okay, fine, do _they _really think this conversation is interesting? That I would like to read it again because it is amusing and inspiring? Do they think that people would read this and thing, 'I would really love to have a conversation like this!' And the characterizing is awful! I mean, I'm this uptight, studious prefect, and Sirius is an annoying womanizer with the IQ of a rock. This is just so stupid!"

**"****No"**

**"****Yes!" (A/N: I'm going to stop using those thingies (") because it is really boring for me to write them**

Remus frowned. "So this author is saying that quotation marks are voluntary. That they can be left out because they are 'boring'. Honestly, I really wonder why the author bothers to write Fanfiction at all, if they don't want to do it properly."

"I agree," Lily said. "And the author didn't even know what quotation marks are called! I mean, they just said 'these thingies' and a quotation mark in brakats. Are all authors really this bad?" She asked the others.

"No. It might be rare, but occasionally we stumble across a really good one. I hope we find another one soon." James told her.

**so every time there's a new line the other person is talking.)**

**Yes**

**No**

"Gosh, enough is enough!"

**Yes**

**No**

**YES AND NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!**

**Please give me chocolate!**

"Padfoot, I think the author is under the impression that you are three years old. That's what you seem like, anyway."

**No, why?**

**Please?**

**Why should I?**

**Because we're friends?**

**That's not a reason.**

**What? Moony, you just broke my heart**

"He doesn't have a heart." James smirked.

**Too bad.**

**I love you.**

"Oh no. Please please please did they NOT MAKE US GAY!" Sirius said, looking horrified.

"Wait, why do you immediately jump to the conclusion that you're gay?" asked Lily, interested. "You might just love him as a friend! You might be saying it to get chocolate!"

"Lily, Fanfiction has taught me to always assume the worst in situations like these."

**Wait, what?**

**I loooooooooooooooove you!**

**Stop singing that stupid song!**

"Oh, pfew. It's a song. This story really had me worried for a moment."

**I looooooooooooooooove yooooooooooooouuuuu! And it is soooooooooo truuuuuuuueeeeeeeeee!**

"Now this is enough. It was funny the first time, but not anymore." Sirius said.

**I looooooove you more than a thooooooouuuusand kiiiiiiisseeeeees… kiiiiiiiiiss meeeeee…. Hooooooooold meeeeeeee…**

"This is getting painful to read."

**I loooooooove you soooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuch!**

**Shut up.**

**Give me chocolate.**

**No**

"This dialogue is so interesting. Not." Lily said.

**I looooooooove yoooooouuuu more than I looooooooove hippogriff duuuuung. I loooooooove you more than the stars love the suuuuuuuuuun.**

**Shut up. Now.**

"I agree with Moony."

**I love love love yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu. Marry me!**

**Ok.**

"Wait, what?" Sirius asked.

"You asked him to marry you, and he said yes." James clarified, looking highly amused.

**What?**

**I'll marry you.**

"See!"

**Cool**

"NO! WE'RE GAY!"

**Let's get married tomorrow.**

"WE'RE GAY! NO!" Sirius shouted. "WHY ME?"

"This proposal was so romantic." Lily whispered to James, who smirked.

**Yeah okay.**

**WAIT WHAT I WAS KIDDING YOU PERV.**

"Pfew." Sirius said, putting a hand to his heart and exhaling. "This Fanfiction is going to kill me. Honestly."

Remus was looking amused.

"How come you didn't freak out?" Lily asked him.

"Oh, it says in the description that we won't be gay." He said.

"Where?" Peter asked.

"It said, 'no slash." That obviously means no homosexual relationships." He said.

**Oh ok, I knew that.**

"Sirius is sounding pretty disappointed." James said.

"Shut it, you prat."

**Good.**

**I was kidding too.**

"Doesn't sound to convincing." Lily said.

**Good.**

"You have a pretty low IQ in this too, Moony." Sirius said.

**I loooooo-**

"Not as low as yours, though." Remus replied.

**…**

**Mahjdhhh Mrfff jsnssss kessssssssssfff**

"What the hell?" Peter asked.

**Teaches you to shut up!**

"What does?" Lily asked, but the others shrugged.

**Man moony why did you stick that stinking sock in my mouth?**

"Oh. Gross." Lily said.

**Yeah bro that was smelly. It belonged to Evans.**

"What?" Lily exclaimed. "First of all, why would you have my sock? Secondly, my socks are in no way as smelly as yours."

"Thirdly," Remus said, "I would never talk like that. 'Yeah, bro,' what am I, American?"

**Eeeeeeeeeeeew! Grooooooss!**

**Ikr.**

"This is getting worse and worse. The author is just jotting down the first things that come into their twisted mind."

**Yeah.**

**…**

**Can I have chocolate?**

**No**

**Please?**

"We already had this conversation." Remus said tiredly.

**NO**

**Please?**

**No**

**I'll just steal some.**

**AVADA KEDAVRA!**

Everybody was confused for a moment.

"Did Moony just kill Padfoot?" Peter finally asked.

"Seems like it." Remus said.

"Ok-ay."

***Dies***

"Damn it, Moony!" Sirius said dramatically.

"It was probably better for the world. You were so annoying and stupid that it hurt." Remus said.

"You have no heart," Sirius said, putting his hand to his chest and pretending to faint into Lily's lap.

"Get up, Black." She said, shoving him onto the floor.

"Ouch." Sirius muttered, picking himself up.

**Remus:**

"Why did the author suddenly change the format?" James asked.

"Probably to show it was Remus speaking." Peter said.

"Well, who else would it be? Sirius is dead." Lily pointed out.

**Teaches you to steal from my chocolate.**

**THE END**

"Right, well that was rubbish. Who wants another one?" James asked.

Five hands flew into the air.

"Good. This one looks good…"

* * *

**A/N: And the next chapter! Thanks to all the wonderful reviewers, you guys are really awesome! And thank you to everybody who has followed and favourited this, and to everybody who has offered to write me oneshots! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!**

**That's it for now. Send me some love in the reviews, I feel like crap.**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	12. McG Raps

**Short A/N: I know that in the 70's rap didn't exist, but can we pretend it did, because this chapter is only funny like that. Thanks!**

James laughed, "It's called **McG Raps**-"

"McG? As in Minnie? And she's going to rap?" Sirius said.

"Well, the description is **A.K.A The Secret Life of McGonagall as a Rapper.**" James said.

"I need to read this. I think we'll need my musical talent to make the chapter enjoyable." Sirius said, taking the laptop from James.

"Ahem. So, here goes…"

**"****Yo, I'm big McG.**

Sirius didn't even finish the first line when everybody else burst out laughing. Whether it was because of the Fanfiction or because of his talent (or lack of) at rapping, he didn't know. He hoped it was the former.

"Imagine McGonagall doing that!" James laughed. Sirius felt better, obviously it was just the funny text that was making the others laugh.

"Sirius… That was bloody awful!" Lily howled.

Sirius frowned. "I'll have you know that I happen to be a musical genius!"

This statement only caused Lily to laugh harder.

**And when I sing, I'm really off-key.**

**I'm really cool, you must see,**

**A rapper? Yeah! That's me!"**

Sirius didn't pay any attention to the others, who were a mess. James had tears of laughter running down his cheeks, Lily was rolling on the floor, Remus was laughing so hard that no sound came out, and Peter was howling with laughter.

**McGonagall rapped in front of her mirror. She was wearing a cap that was on the wrong way around, a hoodie and several big, golden chains, one with a big dollar sign on it.**

The others couldn't even react, only Sirius wondered why anybody would wear cloths like that.

"McG! Clothes! Like! That!" James managed to get out, before he doubled over laughing.

**"****I'm not in love with Dumbledore,**

**I don't know what that might implore**

**But seeing as I'm not into wand-lore**

**I might just open up the door."**

Even Remus, who was normally so composed, was having trouble talking. "This… Th- this is so- ba… Bad!"

"But so hilarious!" Lily cried from where she was lying on the floor, her hands clutching her stomach.

**She said, making appropriate movements with her hands and arms. She did a little beat-box for the next bit, impressed with her own musical abilities.**

Peter's face was red from laughter. "I… She… What?" he chuckled.

Sirius looked disapprovingly at the others, he was the only one that was even remotely composed. However, he too was starting to struggle reading the text.

**"****Funny, I noticed I'm not wearing socks,**

**Doesn't matter, it really rocks**

**Turn me on, yeah Lumos, Nox**

**I need to grade the essays that are in that box."**

"Oh Merlin! I can't laugh anymore. My stomach hurts." Lily said, her face flushed and her hair messy. She picked herself up off the floor.

"I know…" James said, taking off his glasses to wipe his eyes.

"I've got a laughing cramp." Remus complained, rubbing his stomach.

"Me too." Peter said, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself.

**McGonagall started dancing around, and nearly knocked her jar of ink off the table. She shouted, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" a few times, before turning back to the mirror.**

**"****Yeah I might seem like a straight laced mouse**

**But it's really McG in the house.**

**I'm running out of rhyme so I'll just say louse**

**Did you know I once had an owl called Klaus?"**

Everybody burst out laughing again. The combination of the awful but hilarious rap, the image of McGonagall doing it, and Sirius' skills at rapping was too much.

**The professor pretended to have an air guitar solo, and tripped over a pair of slippers on the floor.**

**"****Oh crap, now I just tripped.**

**And over the floor I just slipped.**

**If you cross me, you'll get your arse whipped**

**But now you'll find that I just stripped."**

"Stop reading, Sirius, I can't… This is too much… Can't laugh anymore… Stomach hurts… Can't breathe…" James wheezed.

Sirius ignored him and continued reading.

**And she pulled off the sweater to reveal an over-sized Spring Breakers T-shirt, including the four girls in teeny bikinies and the black drug dealer.**

"Stop! Please, Sirius!" Lily begged him trying to stop laughing.

"Will you admit that I am the greatest rapper ever, and my musical skills deserve to be worshiped by all?" Sirius asked.

Lily didn't answer, she only laughed harder.

**She also pulled off the oversized jogging pants she had been wearing, and revealed a pair of hot pants.**

"Ew. I really don't like that mental image." Sirius said to nobody in particular, since his companions were all otherwise occupied.

**"****I look totally hot.**

**If you think I'm not**

**I'll cook you in this pot**

**Full stop."**

"That… Doesn't… Rhyme…" Remus said, his hands on his stomach.

**McG waved her hands around in the air, and took her wand and made sparks come out of the end.**

**"****I am practically an open book,**

**I really am, but I can't cook.**

**If you give, then I just took**

**My wand and I'll kill you, crook."**

Even Sirius was having trouble controlling his laughter.

"This is so bad that it's good." James said, still chuckling.

**The sparks filling the room were now threatening to make the papers lying around catch fire. McG didn't notice, though.**

**"****I took some Felix Felicis, yeah.**

**I'm gonna get lucky tonight, yeah.**

**You charmed my heart, yeah.**

**Stupify, yeah."**

"That was just so, so… awfully… terrible. And- and it was hilarious." Lily was in hysterics.

**She kicked her shoes off, and slid over the polished floor.**

**"****The rest of this rap is not for kids,**

**I'd tell it to you, but this T rating forbids**

**For you readers to know the truth (bids)**

**So just rate and review, then close your eye-lids."**

**She was so caught up in her epic rap that she didn't notice a knock on her office door.**

**Just outside stood Sirius Black, who had been sent to her for his detention. He waited for a moment, knocked a second time, and then peeked inside. What he saw was a sight he would never forget.**

**THE END**

"And it's over." Sirius said.

"That was hilarious. Just the image of McGonagall…" she burst out laughing again.

Sirius waited patiently for them to sort themselves out (Remus had to open a window to let in a bit of cool, fresh air), before saying, "All in favour of another one say 'Aye'!"

"AYE!" Everyone shouted.

* * *

**A/N: Just a short, easy chapter. I loved making McG's rap, it only took me about ten minutes. It was just simple, bad improvisation.**

**Sorry for the lack of reactions, but I decided to make it short and enjoyable for them, because next chapter is going to be the long-awaited RL/SB! And you'll have loads of reactions there!**

**If you have any suggestions or requests, just tell me, and be sure to REVIEW!**

**Thanks to everyone… Blah… Love you guys!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	13. WolfStar

"So, this one is called **Wolfstar**, and it lists Sirius and Remus as the protagonists. There is no description. Oh, and it's by **NeonDomino**." Sirius read.

"Great. Can I read?" Peter asked. Sirius nodded and passed her the device.

**Sirius Black couldn't move his gaze. Here in front of him was the most perfect person he'd ever seen in his life.**

"Sounds good!" Sirius said, leaning back lazily.**  
****Soft dark blonde hair, that he wanted to run his fingers through, Amazing hazel eyes that he could get lost in, and a sexy voice that sent shivers down his back.**

"Nice…" Sirius said, nodding.**  
****Also a pretty decent arse.**

"That's never a bad thing, either."**  
****"Sirius, are you okay, you're staring at me?" Remus asked,**

"Wait, What?!" Sirius asked, sitting up straight.

Remus was looking mildly disturbed. "It's nice to have my good looks described like that, but not when it's in SIRIUS' PERSPECTVE!"

"Erm, maybe you… Um… Oh, I know. I bet I had a confundus charm put on me." Sirius said decidedly. "Yeah, and now I'm really disoriented, and I didn't realise that it was Moony. Yeah, it all makes sense now."

Remus looked less convinced. Lily hid a smile, she had figured out what WolfStar meant.

**concerned, and Sirius jumped, realising that Remus was speaking to him.****  
****"What were you thinking?" Remus asked.**

"That is something you would _never _want to know at _any given moment _when it comes to Sirius," James said, smirking.**  
****"Nothing, I was just... wondering where James went," Sirius lied.****  
****"He's out on his date with Lily, remember?"**

"Oh yeah! Now we're talking!" James said, punching the air.

Lily was too amused to complain, she could guess what was coming next.**  
****"Oh. Yeah, I remember," Sirius said, not wanting to admit the thoughts that were going through his head.****  
****"You're staring at my mouth?"**

"Wah- What?" Sirius asked, looking horrified.

Remus put a hand to his mouth, and looked from the device to Sirius.**  
****"No, I'm not," Sirius denied,**

"Phew, I'm not. See?" Sirius said, pointing at the computer.

"Sorry to break it to you, Padfoot, mate, but it said you denied it. Not that you didn't." James said.

"Shut up. I didn't, and you know it,"

**looking back down at his muggle magazine. The crazy things these muggles thought up.**

"That was pretty random," Peter spoke up.

"Yeah, well, random is good! Very good! I like random! It keeps the attention from misunderstandings about me and Remus! Keep the randomness coming!" Sirius rambled.**  
****"You were. You keep staring at me, talk to me Padfoot," Remus asked, taking a seat next to him.**

"Ah! No! Don't!"**  
****"Fine," Sirius snapped. "You got really good looking, Remus."**

"No, no, no, no, no, no!"**  
****"I've always been good looking," Remus said, grinning.**

"And here I was, thinking Padfoot was the one with the massive ego," James said to Remus, who was looking very worried.**  
****"Yeah, but you..." Sirius didn't really know what to say, and Remus frowned for a minute, trying to work it out.****  
****"You think I'm good looking, and you keep staring at my lips," Remus said. "You fancy me."**

"No! No! No! Merlin, I'M NOT GAY!" Sirius cried, running a hand through his hair.

"He… he fancies me?" Remus asked hoarsely.**  
****It wasn't a question, more an observation.**

"It was wrong! I don't! I don't! I don't!"**  
****"You don't mind?" Sirius asked.**

"I do mind!" Remus shouted.

Lily chuckled.**  
****Remus shook his head, grinning at Sirius.****  
****"So, what's so interesting about my lips?"**

"NOTHING!" Sirius shouted.

"Woah, calm down, Sirius, it's just a story!" Lily said soothingly.

"Yeah, a story by an author who thinks ME and MOONY are a good match." Sirius said.

Lily just rolled her eyes.**  
****"They look really..."****  
****"Really what?"****  
****"Soft and... ummm, tasty."**

"Wahewhat?" Sirius yelled. "No! This is wrong on so many levels!"

Remus said nothing, he was looking slightly green.**  
****"Tasty. How do you think they taste?" Remus asked.**

"I don't want to know…" Peter muttered to Lily.

"ME NEITHER! And neither does Fanfiction!Me!" Sirius shouted.

Remus was starting to look a little ill.**  
****"Like chocolate," Sirius said, confidently. "I've always imagined you to taste like chocolate."**

"Lips can't taste like chocolate!" Lily scoffed.

"I bet Remus' do, all that chocolate he eats is bound to have some side-effects." Peter said.**  
****"Always imagined? How long have you been thinking about this?"**

"I DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!" Sirius shouted.**  
****"Well, I did wonder last year, but then I was dating what's-her-face, and then I realised she wasn't all that, and told her to jog on."****  
****"Do you want to taste and see?" Remus asked,**

"Oh my gosh. No. No. No. NO! This is so wrong!" Sirius shouted.

"Is it nearly over?" Remus asked Peter. Peter shook his head, grinning evilly.

"The worst has yet to come…"

**and Sirius grinned.****  
****"Of course, Moony, he said, as he leaned over Remus, and their lips met, softly at first, before he felt Remus pull him closer.**

Sirius' mouth was hanging open, a disgusted expression on his face. "I- This… I- This is… I can't- Please stop…"

Remus was looking horrified. "Please, Peter, stop this!"

**Remus' long fingers ran over the back of Sirius' neck as he pulled the boy in for a deeper kiss, and Sirius' hand ran into the blonde hair he had been fantasising about.**

Sirius opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. Lily struggled to hide a smile, she doubted that he would appreciate it.**  
****His tongue flicked over Remus' lip, and Remus' lips parted slowly, before letting Sirius have access, and he slowly snogged Remus,**

"Right, this is enough." Sirius said, then he proceeded to cover his ears with his hands, and sing very loudly (and out of tune).

"He's not taking this very well," James muttered to Peter.

Remus was looking rather nauseated and didn't say anything.

**marvelling at how perfect Remus' lips felt against his. Much better then those girls. Who needed girls anyway, Remus was much better.****  
****Finally Remus pulled away. "So?"****  
****"So?" Sirius repeated, in confusion.****  
****"Chocolate?" Remus asked him.****  
****"I'm not quite sure, let me check again." His lips were on Remus' again before the Werewolf had the chance to reply.**

"LA LA LA! GOD REST YE MERRY HIPPOGRIFFS!" Sirius sung/yelled at the top of his lungs.

**Remus let out a little moan, and that's all the control Sirius had. It took only seconds to open Remus' shirt.**

"There, it's over." Peter said.

"Finally." Sirius sighed. "Right, I'm going to take a shower now. No, Lupin, you may not join me."

"Like I wanted to…" Remus muttered.

"Okay, so that was really weird." Lily said.

"Wait, there's more!" Peter said suddenly. Sirius groaned.

"Oh, don't worry, it's just an author's note."**  
****(A/N: If you want to read more, the next chapter will be up soon. SMUT!)**

"Good thing we don't want to read more." Remus said.

"Shall we read the next story?" James asked.

"Yeah, but wait for me!" Sirius said.

"No. Either you stick it out like a man, or you'll deal with missing a story or two." James said.

Sirius gave him a dark look. "Fine. But, for the record, I'm not happy about this."

James snorted.

"I wonder how you'd react about a story pairing you with Pete," Sirius said, glaring at him.

"I'll have to worry about that when the time comes." James said lightly. "So, here's the next one."

* * *

**A/N: I'm really sorry about the long wait! This chapter was ****_so hard _****to write! I really hope I did a good job. Leave a review, will you? I will try to update faster next time, but, then again, this much anticipated chapter was so, so hard to do.**

**Anyway, leave any suggestions or requests in the reviews! And a big round of applause for NeonDomino, thank you so much for writing this SB/RL oneshot! I wouldn't have been able to do this without you!**

**Au revoir for now, my friends!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	14. Truth or Dare?

"So, this one is called **Truth or Dare? **And it has the following description: **Sirius is bored, so what better to do than play truth or dare?**" James read.

"Good. It sounds stupid and not serious, so it's exactly what I need right now." Sirius said, rubbing his eyes. He had still not recovered from the previous Fanfiction.

"Padfoot, mate, you need to stop taking Fanfiction so seriously!" James said.

"I really don't think you should be dishing out advice, you've never had to read a disturbing Fanfiction like that!"

"Even Remus handled it much better than you did!" Lily chimed in.

"Honestly, what's this? Let's-all-attack-Sirius-day? It was bloody disturbing!" Sirius scowled.

"Alright, we believe you. Let's just read this next one, shall we?" Lily said. "Can I read? I haven't had the honour yet."

"Sure," Peter said, handing her the device.

**"****I'm bored," said Sirius.**

"My infamous sentence."

**"****Let's play truth or dare!" James suggested.**

**"****Okay." Sirius said, then called everybody to play the game.**

**Peter, James, Sirius, Remus, Lily, Alice Prewett**

"Oh, it's Alice again!" Peter said.

"Who's Alice?" Lily asked.

"Oh, she's your best friend in Fanfiction Land," Peter clarified.

**(Lily's best friend),**

"See?"

**Snape,**

"Eugh- why would we want to play truth or dare with him?" Sirius said, deciding to erase the previous Fanfiction from his mind.

**Avery,**

"Honestly," Lily said. "We would never play with him, and he wouldn't play with us either."

"Yeah. D'ya think the author is just plain stupid?" James wondered.

"I think," Remus said, joining the discussion, "That the author thinks it would be funnier if we would have a wide variety of people playing."

"Maybe, but it's super unrealistic like this." Lily said.

**Xenophilius Lovegood,**

"Who's he?" Peter asked.

"He's this really weird Ravenclaw. He graduated last year. Last time I saw him, he was trying to convince me that wearing robes like mine increased my risk of getting a wrackspurt infection." Sirius said, shaking his head. "Old lunatic."

**McGonagall,**

Sirius snorted. "Like she would play."

**Slughorn**

"Okay, this is getting more and more unlikely."

**and Dumbledore**

"I think we can assume that this is not based on our real lifes."

**all settled down to play.**

**"****So, who's first?" Sirius asked.**

**"****Oh, wait. We need a bottle!" Remus said.**

**"****Oh, okay." Sirius says.**

"Wait, the story just switched tenses! They can't do that! Like suddenly, they decide that this is happening now instead of yesterday afternoon!" Remus said.

"Yes, I agree! This is not acceptable. Throwing in random characters to play a game that we wouldn't ever do- fine. I'll even allow them to force us to play with Snape and Avery. But the rules of writing are still the same!" Lily ranted.

**He waves his wand and summons a glass bottle from the kitchen.**

"Kitchen? As in the Hogwarts kitchen? But that's, like, miles away. Why would I summon one from there? I could just get one from the dormitory!"

"You have glass bottles in the dormitory?" Lily asked sceptically. "May I ask what the _content _of those glass bottles is?"

Sirius suddenly found himself at the receiving end of three glares. "Erm, they are filled with… WATER! Yeah, I often get thirsty at night."

Lily gave him a look of disbelief, but she carried on reading.

**"****Great! Now let's play!"**

**"****I chose Snape!" Remus says cheerfully.**

"Remus seems very happy about that," Peter said.

**Snape scowled**

"Hey! They changed tenses again! That's such sloppy writing!"

**and looked up from the Dark Arts book he was reading. "Truth…" he muttered grouchily.**

**"****Do you still have stuffed animals? If yes, what are they called?" Remus asked giddily.**

"Wow, Fanfiction!Remus is reminding me of Remus last summer when he was high on sugar and caffeine," Sirius said.

Lily sent him a questioning look. "Do I want to know?" she asked carefully.

Sirius shook his head. "No, definitely not."

**"****I- er… I mean… Pass." he said grumpily.**

"Wow, adverb overdose!" Remus said. "Slow down, author!"

**"****No, you can't pass! You have to answer the question!" Remus said bouncily.**

"Yep, I'm definitely being reminded of last summer." Sirius smirked.

**"****Fine. Yes. And Mr Snuffels, Kissikins and… and…. Voldypoop," he whispered shyly, blushing ferociously.**

The four marauders started laughing, but Lily just said, "Honestly, that's such cheap humour. Like we'd believe that Snape really has stuffed toys, and if yes, like they'd be called that."

"And the author is using way too many adverbs. It's almost worse than using bad dialogue tags! The author should just let the text speak for its self. If I say, _'I am the evil lord!' _then the author shouldn't add '_Remus said evilly'_. It's unnecessary." Remus added.

**"****Great!" Remus said happily.**

Remus cringed.

**"****Chose who goes next!" he commanded Snape boisterously.**

**"****I chose…" he paused slowly,**

Remus scoffed. "Honestly. He paused slowly? That's just stupid."

**assessing his options. He could dare Lily to kiss him,**

"Yuck." James grumbled.

"Why would Snape dare me to kiss him?" Lily asked. "We've hardly spoken since the beginning of sixth year."

**or… "I chose Potter!"**

Sirius winced. "Ooh, not nice."

**James jumped. "I- er- truth." He said. Under other circumstances, he would have chosen dare, but he didn't want to think about what Snape would do to him then.**

**Snape laughed maniacally. James gulped. Snape grinned and said evilly, "Have you ever fantasised about McGonagall?"**

"NO! Merlin, never! I swear!" He added, when he saw the others looking at him.

"I have," Sirius said dreamily. "Just she was younger and fitter and-"

"SHUT UP!" Lily interrupted. "That is something I really don't need to know."

"I was kidding!" Sirius laughed. The other marauders raised eyebrows at him. "Kind of."

**James blushed. "Yes…" he whispered.**

"Ooh, awkward!" Sirius said.

"And the awkwardness increases when you remember that McGonagall is actually sitting there." Peter added.

**"****POTTER! DETENTION!" McGonagall shouted.**

Sirius chuckled. "Imagine Minnie finding out that James had been fantasising about her."

"I have not been fantasising about her!" James interjected.

"Don't worry, Jamsie-poo-"

"Never call me that again."

"It'll be out little secret."

James scowled and made a rude hand gesture.

**James, still bright red, said, "I chose… Lily!"**

**Lily glanced up at him. She flicked her red hair out of her face, and said, "Dare!"**

"Gosh, I seem very stuck up here."

**James could hardly believe his luck. "I dare you to kiss me for ten seconds!"**

"HA! Like Evans would do that!" Sirius said.

**Snape frowned, that had been his idea! And now his enemy was using it! That meant he would have to get revenge!**

"Exclamation mark overdose." Remus said.

**Lily flicked her hair back again, and lent in. After a few seconds, the kiss started to get passionate, and soon the two were making out hard-core.**

"Am I the only one that thinks it's disturbing that McGonagall, Slughorn, Snape, Avery and DUMBLEDORE are sitting there, watching this? I mean, it would be bad enough if you would start 'making out hard-core' in front of us, but at least we're your friends and we are also teenagers. Blech." Peter said.

**After fifteen minutes, they released each other.**

"Y'know, completely ignoring the fact that it is physically impossible to go that long without air."

**"****Wow, James, you can kiss really well!" Lily said, doing some more hair-flicking.**

"I'm flicking my hair a lot in this chapter,"

**"****Thanks, you're not bad yourself!"**

**"****Let's do that again sometime!" Lily suggested, flicking her hair.**

**"****Cool!" James agreed.**

**"****Right, I choose…" she bit her lip, flicking her hair.**

"Hair flicking overdose!" Remus said.

**"****Avery!"**

**Avery grunted to show he was listening.**

**"****I dare you to make out with Snape for three minutes!"**

Sirius supressed a smile. "That would be _hilarious_!"

"That would be disgusting! I'd have nightmares for years!" Lily said.

**Avery scowled at her. "Filthy mudblood!"**

Lily frowned, she didn't enjoy being insulted like that, even if it was just a Fanfiction.

**he said, before grabbing (a very terrified looking) Snape roughly and pressing his mouth to his.**

The marauders chuckled.

**He held him like that for the next three minutes,**

"Again ignoring the fact that they would suffocate," Remus said.

"They would obviously breath through their nose!" Sirius said.

**before he chucked him back to where he was sitting before.**

**"****I take Black!" he said, wiping his mouth on his robe.**

**Sirius looked calm, and said casually, "Dare."**

"I'm always so cool!"

**"****I dare you to trade clothes with Alice for the rest if the game!" he said nastily.**

"Sorry, mate, but I think you just lost 50 percent of your coolness, as well as 35 percent of your masculinity," James snickered.

**Sirius looked horrified, but that was nothing compared to how Alice looked at the moment.**

"Yeah, imagine wearing Padfoots icky, sweaty clothes." Peter laughed.

Sirius scowled. "I'll have you know that my clothes are perfectly awesome!"

**"****What? Why me? You be careful, Avery, I'll get you!" she said, before she stripped off**

"I hope she's hot!" Sirius said.

"Again, I'm feeling disturbed that _Slughorn, Snape, Avery, McGonagall and DUMBLEDORE _are watching this!" Remus said.

**and threw her clothes at Sirius.**

**Sirius slinked off behind the door to get change, whilst Alice and Lily discussed revenge stratagies,**

"That should be spelt strategies," Lily said.

**as did Avery and Snape.**

**"****Right, done!" Sirius said, walking out from behind the door. He was wearing a neon-pink mini skirt, a tight, see-through blouse, and high heels.**

A silence followed.

"That would be very traumatic," Remus said.

"Oh, who are you kidding? I'd look awesome in any clothes you gave me." Sirius said.

**Everyone spent the next ten minutes laughing at him.**

"The people in the Fanfiction beg to differ."

**"****I chose… Dumbledore!" he announced.**

**"****Dare," Dumbledore said, his eye (his right one, to be precise) twinkling.**

"Yeah, that eye-twinkling thing he always does is so creepy!" Sirius said.

"Really? I think it's rather comforting," Lily objected.

**"****I dare you to… make pranking unpunishable for the rest of the year, unless it is dangerous (as in deadly), and only for Gryffindor house!" Sirius said proudly.**

"Merlin, why have we never though of doing that before?" Sirius said with a dreamy expression.

"It's a really great idea- the possibilities are endless," James added.

"Sure, apart from the fact that you would have to get Dumbledore to play truth or dare with you- only that minor issue is stopping you from reaching your goal," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

**He high-fived the rest of the marauders, whilst McGonagall ranted.**

**"****Alright." He said, and wrote a paper allowing pranking.**

**"****I chose… Peter!" he said.**

Sirius snorted. "No offence, Pete, but there's no way that Dumbledore would pick you."

Peter frowned, a little hurt by the comment.

**Peter looked up and nodded excitedly, happy at the prospect of being chosen by his headmaster (and not by Snape). "Dare!"**

**"****I dare you to make an unbreakable vow to never become a death eater!" Dumbledore said, his eye (the left one this time) twinkling.**

"Well, that was a rather random dare," Peter said, confused. "Why would he want me to do that?"

**"****Er, alright!" Peter said, somewhat confused by the dare. He proceeded to make it.**

"Make what? A cake?" Remus said sarcastically. "The author should be more specific!"

**"****I chose… McGonagall!" he said.**

**She sniffed. "Truth,"**

**"****Alright, Here's your question: Are you and Dumbledore secretly dating?"**

"Ha, as if. That's about as likely as me and Trawlawny." Remus said.

"Really? I always thought they would be a good couple!" Sirius said.

**She blushed, as did Dumbledore. "Yes," she whispered.**

**"****Whoop!" Peter whooped,**

"Honestly?"

**punching the air. "I knew it! You owe me five galleons!" He said victoriously, holding his hand out to Remus, who reluctantly paid the money.**

**"****I chose Horace," McGonagall said stiffly, trying to maintain her dignity.**

**"****Erm, Dare!" he said nervously,**

"Gosh, these adverbs are really getting on my nerves." Lily said.

**not willing to reveal his darkest secrets to the others.**

**"****I dare you to, um, belly dance for us all!" she said.**

"Now _that _would be traumatic." Sirius chuckled.

**Slughorn surpressed a smile, for little did the others know, he had taken belly-dancing classes for ten years.**

"_That _is traumatic," James corrected.

**The others were scarred for life.**

"What? No description of what happened? None at all? What a rip-off…" Peter said, clearly disappointed.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Erm, Pete, I think you're the only one that wanted to have a description of old Sluggy belly dancing."

Peter turned a little pink. "No, that's not what I meant! I just thought it would be funny!"

**"****I pick... Mr Lovegood!" he said, pulling his shirt back on.**

**"****Truth!" he said.**

**"****What is your deepest, darkest secret?"**

"A tad hypocritical, considering he picked dare to avoid revealing his deep, dark secrets," James said.

**"****It… It… It…" he stammered, "I can't reveal it!"**

**"****You have to!"**

**"****Alright… I… I-knew-that-the-horn-crumpled-snorkack-existed-before-Relf-Wendor-the-famous-creature-researcher!" He said fast and in one breath.**

"What?"

**Nobody understood what he was talking about.**

"Oh, I'm not the only one then." Sirius said.

**"****I pick…" but before he could say anything, Voldemort flew through the open window.**

"This just got a whole lot weirder." James said.

**"****What is this I hear? People playing truth or dare ****_without _****me?" He said evilly. "But ****_everyone _****knows that truth or dare is ****_my _****favourite game! Dare me!"**

"And it got another whole lot weirder." James said, shaking his head.

**"****Alright, I dare you to wear a wig for the rest of the week!" Xenophilius said nervously, hoping he wouldn't die in a moment.**

"If he is worried about being killed, why didn't he pick an easy dare?" Remus asked logically.

"Then he could be killed for picking a boring dare. It's a lose-lose situation." Sirius said.

**To everybody's surprise, Voldemort laughed. "Is that all? I've had to do so much worse. Like that time I had to have a nude picture painted of me by Bellatrix,**

"That is a mental image I would have happily avoided." Peter shuddered.

**or the time I had to kiss Fenrir Greyback for fifteen minutes,**

Remus was the only one to not find that amusing. Even years after he had been bitten, the name still made him angry.

**or that time I had to-"**

**"****Enough! Do your dare!" Xenophilius interrupted, holding a pink wig out.**

"There is a big difference between wearing a normal wig and a pink wig." Peter said.

**Voldemort pulled it on, and smiled at his reflection. "Very nice," he said approvingly. "Enough. I pick-"**

**"****You can only pick Alice, there is nobody else left!" James interjected.**

**"****Alright, I pick Miss Prewett."**

**"****Dare," she whispered, terrified.**

**"****I dare you to… Now this is going to be hard-core…**

James raised an eyebrow. "Voldemort says 'hard-core'?"

**I dare you allow me to do a spell on you, enabling you to only speak in pick-up lines for the rest of the day!"**

**Alice blanched.**

**"****_Pickuplineiatus!" _****Voldemort spelled.**

"The author really can't be bothered to think of a normal spell. Do they think that that's what spells are like? _Pickuplineiatus_? Honestly…" Lily said.

**"****I must have had some Felix Felicis, 'cause I'm about to get lucky!"**

Sirius laughed. "That's a good one."

**she said, then clamped her hand over her mouth, looking horrified.**

**"****Alice!" Lily squeeled.**

**"****Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"**

Lily looked disgusted. "You don't really use those, do you?"

Sirius cleared his throat nervously when the other marauders all sent him pointed looks.

"Sirius?" Lily asked.

"That was one time!" he said finally.

**Everybody was in stiches by that time, after hearing the normally so prude and shy Alice speak like that.**

"Excuse me? Is this the same shy and prude Alice that was wearing a neon-pink mini skirt, and a see through blouse? The same Alice that stripped down to her underwear in front of all of us, not to mention Snape, Avery, McGonagall, Slughorn and DUMBLEDORE? Because that Alice doesn't sound shy and prude!"

**"****We might not be in Professor Flitzwick's class, but you sure are charming!"**

"I love that one!" Sirius smiled.

"Who did you use it on? I can guess from your face that it worked," Lily said.

"Melissa Bright in fifth year." Sirius said remnisantly. "Merlin, I haven't thought of her in _ages__**.**_"

"And you're surprised that authors think of you as-"

"I'M NOT A MAN-WHORE!" Sirius interrupted James.

**Everybody howled, rolling around on the floor.**

**"****I think that's enough for today," Dumbledore said, his eye (the left one again)**

"Why does the author insist on mentioning that again? It was amusing the first few times, but now it's just an overdose." Remus said.

**twinkling.**

**Everybody groaned and trudged up to bed.**

"The end," Lily said.

"Well, that might have been bad, but it wasn't nearly as awful as some of the Fanfictions we've read so far." Sirius said.

"Let's read another one, shall we?"

* * *

**A/N: A big thank you to everybody that reviewed! Your reviews made me smile, and inspired me to update soon!**

**Now, be a dah-ling, and please review for this super-long chapter!**

**You know you want to! ;-)**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	15. The Incident in the Library

**A/N: WARNING: This chapter is rather long. The reason is because I had a few requests to have them read good Fanfiction/ good Jily Fanfiction. Here you go! Back to the warning. WARNING: Chapter features snogging and Lily and James removing their shirts. Not too detailed, but proceed with caution. This fic is rated T, after all.**

"So this one is called **The incident in the library **and it's by **greenconverses.**" Lily read. "Does someone else want to read it?"

"I'll do it." Sirius volunteered, and Lily passed him the device.

**The top two buttons of his shirt were undone.**

**This hadn't bothered her twenty minutes ago, when he had shown up at her table – freshly showered and changed after a gruelling Quidditch practise – and asked to sit with her because all the other spots in the library were taken.**

**She had noticed those two buttons, of course – what self-respecting female wouldn't acknowledge a partially open shirt on an attractive young male? She hadn't let it bother her, though, because she had a nasty Charms essay to finish by Monday and she was hardly halfway through it.**

**But now, twenty very difficult minutes later, it was bothering her.**

"I think I'm going to like this Fanfiction," James said contentedly.

Lily rolled her eyes and supressed a smile.

**In fact, everything about James Potter was bothering her.**

**Like now, for instance. He was just sitting across from her, minding his own business and doing his homework. But it was so much more than that.**

**The fingers of one hand were in his hair, propping up his head as he leaned across his side of the table. His other hand was drumming on the table while he read a book, his hazel eyes darting across the pages. Occasionally, he would shift his shoulders in a way that would make her want to sigh with satisfaction or move just so that unbuttoned bit of cloth showed off even more chest.**

"Even if I'm generally not into romance, this one is far better written than any other Fanfiction we've read so far." Remus said. "No spelling or grammar mistakes, and generally a good writing style."

"I like having myself described like this," James said, smirking.

"Now you know how flattering it is," Sirius grinned.

**And, boy, did she ever learn to appreciate Quidditch after catching a glimpse of James Potter's chest.**

Lily stole a glance at James' chest without the others noticing. She couldn't see much, of course, through his sweater, but she imagined that he would have a nice chest. Not bulky, but toned and… smooth.

_What's happening to me? _She wondered, shaking her head to clear it. She could hardly believe she had just been thinking about James' chest. All this Fanfiction was messing with her head.

**She could stare all day at the one bit of exposed flesh, wondering if the rest of his chest was as smooth or as tan, wondering what it'd feel like to run her hands over his strong muscles…**

Now Lily couldn't help but wonder what it would be like in real life. She blushed a little, and looked around, making sure that nobody noticed her strange behaviour.

**Bloody buggering sodding hell!**

**Lily slammed her Charms book shut, flustered, and earned a shush from Madam Pince. She shuffled through her notes hastily.**

**"I need a book," she informed him, flushing even more with his gaze on her.**

**He arched an eyebrow. Even that caused her to squirm.**

James was trying to hide his smirk, Lily could tell. She was feeling mildly uncomfortable reading about herself fancying James, but there was another feeling in the pit of her stomach, something she couldn't quite place.

**"That's why we're in a library. So, you know…you can get books." He said it as though he was talking to a rather slow person.**

**"Right," she responded, her voice strangled. She could see down Potter's shirt from where she was standing**

"Lily, you're pathetic." Sirius said, jolting Lily from her musings.

**She was pathetic.**

Sirius blinked.

**And a right pervert.**

**"Right…well, I'm going to get one then."**

**She turned and could not hurry away fast enough.**

**XXXX**

"What do you think so far?" Peter asked.

"I much prefer this type of writing over the truth or dare crap or, god forbid, Reymana. This is actually quite alright." Remus said. He looked over at Lily and noted that she was looking mildly uncomfortable and a little flustered. James, on the other hand, was hiding a grin, and ruffling his hair in a self-satisfied manner.

"Let's read on. A galleon that they'll end up snogging." Sirius said.

Peter snorted. "It's obvious they'll end up snogging."

"Fine, a galleon they'll snog in the library."

Everybody ignored Sirius.

"Fine, but don't think I won't say 'I told you so'." Sirius huffed before he continued reading.

**"Stupid Potter…" Lily muttered, pulling a book off the shelf. She glanced at the cover briefly before slamming it back on the shelf as hard as she could without making a racket. It made her feel better to slam things – she wished she could do the same to Potter's face.**

"It's called UST, darling," Sirius said.

Lily suddenly had an urge to slam something into Sirius' face, and she was pretty sure it had nothing to do with unresolved sexual tension.

**"Those silly buttons…"**

**It was her luck that she was attracted to a boy who she had spent the last few years of her life loathing, especially considering he was actually a decent human being now and had no interest in her whatsoever.**

**He hadn't even asked her out once this year!**

_That's true, _Lily thought. She had been a little confused when James had abruptly stopped asking her out in their sixth year, but she had been relieved that she no longer had to reject him- it had been rather draining.

**She'd spent the entire last week of summer thinking of creative ways to refuse his sonnets and proclamations of undying love, and she hadn't used a single one. He'd barely acknowledged her in the Heads compartment on the train ride to Hogwarts and now, he ignored her except during Prefect meetings and in class.**

**The point was that she was completely and madly attracted to him (to the point that she was going to push him up against a wall and snog him if he ever wore his shirt unbuttoned again in her presence),**

James wasn't bothering to mask his smirk anymore. "If I'd have known that, I'd have worn my shirt unbuttoned years ago!"

Lily felt her face heat up. What was wrong with her?

**and he could care less!**

**What kind of cruel deity had invented this sort of torture? Was this her punishment for turning Potter down so many times in the past, to languish in the misery of her unrequited attraction?**

"Evans, if you're attracted to him, just snog him already. Don't wonder whether or not he's still attracted to you- just… y'know, make a move" Sirius said.

James smacked his arm. "Prat…"

Lily couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to snog James. If she would just push him against the wall, and- _Merlin! What the hell is wrong with me today? _She wondered, feeling very warm and flustered. Had she honestly just been fantasising about kissing James when he was sitting a few feet away from her, and his best friends were sitting in the same room?

_I need some fresh air, _she thought.

**Finally, she spotted the book she wanted. It wasn't hard to miss, hanging off the shelf in a way that would make Madam Pince scream in horror. She walked down the cramped aisle, reached up for it –**

**Only to have her hand brushed aside by the large, rough hand of one James Potter. She spun around, trying to ignore the tingles rushing through her body at their contact, only to be confronted with his strong chest inches away from her nose. She glanced up; he stared down at her, an amused look on his face.**

"Ooh la la- this is where it's gonna get sexy!" Sirius said, giving a wolf-whistle.

**"Need some help on your Charms essay too, I imagine?" he asked, pulling the book of the shelf.**

**"Yes, and if you'd kindly give that book back to me, I'll have all the help I need," she responded, crossing her arms over her chest and attempting to maintain her glare. It was hard to do, considering that bare expanse of skin she had been fantasying about was barely a quill's length away.**

**She hated how cramped these back aisles were. "Give it back."**

**"Evans, we're going back to the same table…Why can't we just share the book?"**

**"Why do you even need the book anyway? You could actually see the chalkboard since some lummox" – she prodded him in the arm – "with humongous shoulders wasn't sitting in front of you and blocking the board…Besides, I'm not staying here."**

"James hasn't got huge shoulders. No offence, mate." Sirius said bluntly.

James frowned. "I think that my shoulders are perfectly alright, thank you very much."

**"Why?" he asked, leaning on the shelf behind her with one hand, and blocking an exit.**

**"I'm too distracted in here. I was going to go back up to the common room and…"**

**"Since when has the common room, with all those snot-nosed first years, been less distracting than the library?" He let out a low chuckle that sent another wave of tingles down her body. "You're a terrible liar, Evans…what's really bothering you?"**

**Their chests were actually touching now and his lips – his perfect, tantalising lips – were two inches away.**

Lily was starting to feel rather awkward. She wished that the Fanfiction would be over, she didn't like what images it was planting in her brain. Images including her and James and his bare chest, and- _Lily, stop it. Right now. _She commanded herself, shaking her head slightly.

**That bare skin she wanted so badly was even closer, even more tempting. The temperature in the aisle seemed to have risen several degrees since he'd entered, causing the fiery anticipation that had ignited her stomach to burn hotter.**

Lily was also starting to feel as if the temperature had risen.

"Lily? Are you alright?" Remus asked, sounding concerned.

"Yes, why?" she asked, her voice an octave higher than usual.

"You're looking a little… Flustered." He said.

Lily looked around nervously. "Er- I'm just feeling a little awkward reading this, that's all." She said in what she hoped was a somewhat convincing voice.

Lily didn't see Sirius trying to hide a knowing smirk.

**"You're the one bothering me, all right?" she burst out savagely. "You're distracting me!"**

**"Me?" he stared at her in disbelief. "What have I done?"**

**"Oh, like you don't know," Lily snapped. Her desperation and their closeness got the better of her and she actually told him the truth.**

**She was a moron.**

**"What do you think you're playing at, coming into the library all freshly showered with your damp hair and your white shirt and asking to sit with me with your fingers in your hair and your shirt unbuttoned like it always is? How am I not supposed to get distracted by that?"**

**Potter's eyebrows had risen into his hairline and he was gaping at her in stunned silence. Flushing in complete embarrassment, Lily looked away, waiting for him to say something or to start laughing.**

**"Um…Because you hate me?" he responded unsurely.**

**"The only time I hate you is when you leave you stupid shirt unbuttoned like it is now!" she said before she could stop herself. "Because then I have to sit there and stare at your stupid neck and your stupid chest and…oh, why can't you just button the bloody shirt?"**

**Lily reached up and grabbed him by the collar, intending to button that gap closed herself. She fumbled with the second button for a moment and then, somehow, her hands had dipped under his collar, grabbed him by the neck, and pulled him down to her waiting lips.**

James grinned, and sent Lily a wink, making her blush.

_Crap- what's going on with me? _She wondered, feeling her warm cheeks with her hands. She was acting so strangely, she really just wanted to get away from all this crazy Fanfiction, from Sirius' comments, and, most of all, from Potter.

**His response was nearly immediate. The arm not balancing against the shelf wrapped around her waist and yanked her closer to him, up against that fantastic chest. She could feel the Charms book they had been arguing over digging into the small of her back. Then his lips went into action, pressing hard and demanding against hers, and she became putty in his arms.**

Lily was struggling to keep her breathing normal, she was nearly hyperventilating.

Reading this was making her feel really uncomfortable, but there was more than that, something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

James was smiling, and he didn't seem remotely bothered by the whole situation.

_That's because they're his friends, _she thought. They didn't need to hide anything from each other, and it wasn't like James' attraction to her was a secret.

But there was a small nagging thought at the back of Lily's mind. _What if he doesn't like you anymore? He hasn't asked you out for ages, and he hasn't paid a lot of attention to you this year. And he doesn't seem bothered by this whole Fanfiction situation, either._

Lily wasn't even sure why that thought bothered her so much. She had been practically praying for James to get over her a few years ago, what had changed?

**There was nothing gentle about this kiss, nothing sweet and reassuring the way the first kiss should be between two people. But it was exactly how Lily had imagined it in all of her daydreams and wild fantasies – hot, heavy, and completely out of control.**

"Now things are getting pretty intense, eh, Lily?" Sirius asked her, winking.

"Er, Ye- Yes, I guess, um, sure." She stammered, caught off guard.

Sirius grinned.

**_And she loved it._**

What would it be like, kissing James like that? Lily found herself glancing at James, but she caught herself, and quickly looked away.

**One of his hands threaded into her hair – she heard the distant sound of a book dropping to the floor – and loosened it from her ponytail, while his other kept her pressed firmly against him. Her hands were on a singular mission – unbuttoning the rest of his shirt. She wasn't doing a very good job of it, fumbling and bumbling and unbuttoning out of order, but with each undone button came a rush of satisfaction.**

**She was halfway down his shirt when they broke apart again, her lungs burning and his chest heaving. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, as if he needed her physical support. He was panting and his hot breath fanned her skin. One of her hands left his shirt and buried it in his hair; it was still damp from his shower.**

Lily swallowed, her face still a little pink. She rubbed her eyes. It had been a long, tiring day, and she had been forced to skip lunch to pop into the library and borrow a Transfiguration book. She was feeling hungry and tired, that must be the reason she was feeling so lightheaded.

**And then, her oxygen-depleted brain thought it best to ruin this stunningly intimate moment by making her blurt out, "But…I thought you…I thought you didn't fancy me any more?"**

**Potter slowly lifted his head up and her hand fell from his hair to his shoulder. He stared at her, his hazel eyes burning with hard disbelief.**

**"Whatever gave you the mad idea that I ****_didn't_****?"**

**"You haven't asked me yet, you ignore me, you…you…" She trailed off as her heart started a mad tattoo against her chest. "You still fancy me?"**

**"Of course I do…I haven't asked you out yet this year because the last time I did you said you'd rather be fed to a starved Chimera. Do you know how discouraging hearing that is?" She winced, remembering that particular moment had also involved a shoe being thrown at his head. "And, anyway, when did you suddenly decide that you wanted me to ask you out? When I…I stopped asking you?"**

**"Well, that…and when you stopped being such a prat to everyone and when you got a sense of responsibility and when you – "**

Lily glanced at James again, it was true, he had matured a great deal.

**"Evans," he said in a low voice. "Shut up."**

**Then his lips were on hers again and she was lost in the hot, heavy sensation that was kissing James Potter. Her fingers were immediately back at work on those buttons and the last few were undone in a matter of moments. She slid her hands under his opened shirt, touching hot skin, feeling the firm muscle she had fantasised about for weeks-**

Lily ran a hand through her red hair, this was a little too intense for her liking. Especially since James bloody Potter, who she was intensely snogging in the Fanfiction, was sitting a few feet away from her. And he was smirking.

**It was then that Lily's rational side decided to make an appearance and started sounding the mental alarm bells. She was full-on snogging James Potter in the library where anyone could see or hear them, he had just pulled her shirt over her head, he was running his hands up her sides,**

Lily blinked, feeling very warm all of a sudden. Her heart was beating very fast, and she suddenly felt a strong urge to run away and hide under her covers.

She was, however, a Gryffindor, and so she forced herself to sit through this mild torture.

She should have eaten lunch.

**and they were going way too fast – but it was far too good to be real –**

**"POTTER! EVANS! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"**

**Lily's eyes snapped open and she pulled away from Potter. She stared, horrified, at the end of the row where Madam Pince stood, looking like a wraith sent from the very depths of hell.**

Remus actually grinned. "You know, I really like that description of Madam Pince. Unusual, and very… Imaginative."

Sirius gave a mock pout. "Stupid, cock-blocking Madame Pince."

James just shook his head, amused.

**"Oh, shit…" Potter whispered, not sounding at all as horrifically mortified as she thought he should. She pushed him away from her, catching him by surprise and sending him flying into the aisle across the way, and began to frantically look for her shirt.**

**"YOU TWO SHOULD KNOW BETTER! THIS IS A LIBRARY, NOT A DEN OF DEBAUCHERY!" Pince roared as she advanced, her shrill voice reaching all the way to tops of the high, vaulted ceilings. "IN ALL MY YEARS, I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH IMMORAL, DEPRAVED – "**

"I can totally picture this scene. I would pay money to see this." Sirius said, grinning.

**"Potter, where the hell did you put my shirt?"**

**She was a slag, a horrible, terrible slag. She would go down as one of the biggest sluts in Hogwarts history, caught snogging shirtless in the library with a boy she wasn't even dating! And now she was going to have to run around the castle without her shirt because Potter had misplaced it! Oh, what would her mother say when she found out that she had raised such an immoral child?**

"Trust Lily to always overreact." Sirius said.

Lily would have contradicted him, but she was worried that her voice would be squeaky if she tried to say something.

**"I don't know where I put your bloody shirt – oh, here," Potter said, thrusting his shirt at her. Lily could've kissed him again. "Just put it on – I'm not to let you run around the school in just your – "**

**"JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL HEARS ABOUT THIS, YOU HORRIBLE CHILDREN!"**

Sirius chuckled, and said, "I would have loved to see this."

**Madam Pince pulled out her wand.**

"Isn't that child abuse?" Peter asked reasonably.

"Of course, but I wouldn't put it past Pince to hex us when she's this angry." Sirius said.

**Lily barely had time to put one arm in a sleeve before Potter grabbed her hand and cried, "Run!"**

**They sprinted the opposite way down the aisle; Pince shrieked a curse and suddenly, books were flying off the shelves at them, smacking them repeatedly over the head and trying to slow them down. The books followed them as they exited the aisle (knocking some innocent gawkers in the head) and as they ran through the library.**

"Oh, gosh. That would be _so cool_." Sirius laughed.

**There was laughter and a shocking amount of catcalls as they ran by tables filled with fellow students. But nothing, however, could drown out the sound of Pince's rage.**

**"GET OUT!" she screamed. "OUT – OUT – OUT!"**

**"We're going, you miserable old hag!" Potter yelled, turning as they reached the door. He and Lily ducked as their bags and books went flying over their head. "Go snog Flich's cat, why don't you?"**

James grinned. "We need to find a Fanfiction about Pince and Filch. Or his cat."

Remus rolled his eyes. "No author is twisted enough to write something like that."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Sirius said, "Remember, there are authors that pair me and you. Anything is possible."

**An ink bottle whizzed by Potter's ear and shattered all over the door. Lily tugged his hand and pulled him into the corridor.**

**" – BANNED, THE BOTH OF YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL BORN LIVES – "**

"You're natural born lives? Why, will they be able to go in if they are ghosts? I doubt it." Peter said.

**He paused one last time to lean around the doorframe and shout, "I never liked the bloody library anyway!"**

**And then they ran like hell.**

"I liked that one." James said, grinning.

"Well, I definitely preferred it over most of the ones we've read so far." Remus said.

Lily suddenly got up. "I- er- I need to… write a- a… Transfiguration essay! Sorry… Um, Bye!" She said, then she rushed out before anybody could say anything.

"Strange," Remus said. "We didn't even have any homework in Transfiguration."

"Shall I go after her?" James asked.

"No, leave her. I think she wants to be alone. She was looking very nervous and uncomfortable whilst we were reading." Sirius said.

"So shall we wait for her, or shall we read the next one?" Peter asked.

"Let's read the next one. We don't know when she's going to come back, and she made the descision of leaving." Sirius said.

James looked torn, but eventually he agreed.

"Right, who wants to read the next one?"

* * *

**A/N: Done! One super long chapter that includes a good Lily/James fanfic! It is by greenconverse and it is called 'The incident in the library'. This is just an excerpt, make sure you check out the real thing!**

**Make sure you review, because this chapter was a lot of work! Thanks to all you little cupcakes that reviewed, favourited and followed this story! You guys are AWESOME!**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	16. Storme's Adventures

**A/N: Sorry for bringing Lily back so fast, but she's really important in this chapter. Also, sorry for making the oneshot they read a rubbish one, but it's important! Also, this chapter is the longest yet!**

Lily stood outside the door, listening what the others were saying. She heard Potter offering to go after her, but (thank Merlin) he didn't. The others had just decided to read another story when she realized that she was being stupid.

Now that she was away from the others (and, mostly, Potter), she could think clearly again. She rubbed her temples, tied her hair into a ponytail, took a long drink from her flask and breathed in deeply. Then she fixed her face into a confident, winning smile, opened the door, and stepped back into the classroom.

"Silly me, we didn't even have any Transfiguration homework!" she said brightly.

Sirius struggled to hide a smirk.

Lily smiled again, and chose to sit on the chair that was furthest away from Potter.

"Well, what are we reading?" She asked.

"This one is called **Storme's Adventures**." Sirius said. He scanned across the page and sighed. "And I can see… 10 spelling errors after just scanning across the page."

Remus groaned. "Please don't tell me them. It'll be bad enough without you telling me every two sentences what's wrong. Badly written ones always include _at least _one of the following: Mary Sues, stupid plotlines, bad dialogue or us acting completely out of character."

Sirius smacked his head on the table. After looking at it once, he could already tell that it contained all of the things Remus had mentioned.

Lily was actually secretly happy that they were going to read something bad, they were easy to complain about, and they _definitely _didn't plant strange thoughts in her mind.

"Well, let's get it over with, shall we?"

**"****Byeee mum!"**

Sirius frowned and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "One sentence in and I already hate it."

**I shouted from downstairs.**

**"****Byeee! Luv you!" She shouted back.**

"When do you think this is taking place?" James asked.

"Probably the 1st of September, on the first day of our seventh year. That's when these types of Fanfiction usually start," Remus said.

"If I get paired with this Storme chick, I'll punch something." Sirius said darkly.

Peter inched away from Sirius- it was pretty likely that Sirius would have to end up with the Mary Sue.

**I stepped outside, and felt cold. Maybe that was because I was wearing a pair of super duper short hotpants and a seethrough top that was wayyy too teight and showed off my 'assets'.**

The sad thing was that nobody felt the need to comment on these ridiculous clothes, they had been expecting them.

**My name is**

"This is when we get the stupid, Mary Sue-esque name." Peter said.

**Storme**

"Imagine being called that." Sirius said.

**Brokencloud**

"It's getting worse and worse."

**Sundarkset**

"Are they kidding me?"

**Reallife**

"This is just getting worse and worse."

**Evans.**

Lily looked up. "Wait- what?"

"Yep, it says Evans," Sirius said, pointing at the screen.

"So now I have this mysterious sister, or what?"

"Seems like it! But that's not even nearly the craziest thing these authors come up with." James said.

Lily ignored him. "And I already have a sister – Petunia. She isn't a witch, so why would this sister of mine be magical?"

"Probably because she's a Mary Sue." James said.

Lily ignored him again, and said, "Also, then where am I?"

**I used to be called Lily Evans**

"Oh, wait, so that's me?" Lily asked.

"Seems like it." Sirius said.

"That's ridiculous. I would never change my name to that, I would never wear clothes like what this character is wearing, and my mum would never shout goodbye from upstairs."

"Lily, dear, Fanfiction is often ridiculous." Sirius said.

**but I changed my name because that name suckssss!**

Lily scowled. "I- excuse me? My name does not 'suck'."

"I think your name is very nice. It has a nice ring to it." James told her.

Lily ignored him again, but there was some feeling in the pit of her stomach that was making her feel rather… odd. _I'm just hungry, _she told herself.

**Oh, and btw**

Remus shut his eyes. "I will not rant, I will not rant, I will not- Damn it! Why is the author too lazy to write three words? Why does she insist on saying 'btw'! Gosh, it makes me so angry!"

**I dyed my hair black**

"And why would I do that?" Lily asked, irritated.

"Because you're stupid?" Sirius supplied helpfully.

Lily glared at him.

"Oh, not in real life, in the Fanfiction, I mean."

The corners of Lily's mouth twitched. "You had better mean that."

**and it reaches my waist and I have blue highligts**

"Because, of course, Hogwarts would definitely allow all students to have blue highlights in their hair."

**in it and I wear contacts that are blue (becuz green eyes succcckkk!**

"Um, excuse me? No, they do not!"

"I think your eyes are very nice, Lily." James said.

Lily's stomach did a weird flip, but Lily ignored it (Or tried to, at least).

**No offence, Sally!)**

"And are we supposed to know who this is?" Peter asked.

**and I am not a prefect (and not a nerd)**

"Still don't know what that is!" Peter said to the laptop.

"Obviously it's someone studious." Remus said. He had not been commenting much on the story so far, and was not planning to soon. He decided that stories like these were below him, and getting angry about the stupid mistakes was a waste of his time.

**infact I dont study at all.**

Lily groaned. "So, is this right: I look different, I act differently, my _name _is different – why bother making this me? Why not just create an original character?"

"Obviously the author wants this girl to end up with Prongs, and all authors have seemed to decide that you will end up together." Sirius said, smiling innocently.

Lily really hated Sirius at that moment.

**I am a reall bad girl, and all the guys love me.**

"Everybody that can't imagine Lily as a 'reall bad girl' say 'Aye'!" Sirius said.

"Aye," all the other Marauders said at the same time.

Lily shook her head. "I'm glad. I assure you that I have no interest in becoming one."

James smiled at her, and Lily quickly averted her eyes, her heartbeat increasing.

**Oh, and I'm in Slythytherin,**

Sirius laughed. "Honestly, Lily in Slytherin? And how did the author even spell it? Sly-thy-therin?"

**and the maraders are in Slytherin too.**

Sirius scowled. "Never, ever, not even as a joke, claim that I am in Slytherin. I hate this author."

"Out of all the things she's done so far, this is what you hate most?" Lily asked.

"Yeah. The rest of the stuff was mainly bad for you, so I don't really care." Sirius said, shooting Lily a grin.

**I step onto the Hg express (geddit? Hg!)**

There was silence for a second, before Peter said slowly, "I don't get it."

**and I spot my 2 bffs, Crystal and Stardust.**

"So not only was this chick's mother high when she named her, but apparently her best friends' mothers were too." Sirius said.

Lily frowned at him. "This is my mum you're talking about. Anyway, didn't you hear what she said? She used to be called Lily Evans, but she changed her name to Storme Starbreak Reallife Evans, or whatever she's called."

**Crystal is a vampire,**

"D'ya think Dumbledore would allow a vampire into Hogwarts?" Peter asked.

"Erm, yeah. I do," Sirius said quickly, glancing at his werewolf friend.

**and she is a goth. She has platinum hair becuz she is Malfoy's sister,**

"Wait, this suddenly got way more complicated. Malfoy's vampire sister?"

**but neither of them know YET!**

James raised an eyebrow. "Yet? So the author just gave a bit of key plot away? That's stupid."

"This author is stupid," Peter said.

**She also has purple eyes and she always wears black lipstick.**

"I definitely doubt that the teachers would allow that." Lily said.

**Stardust has platinum hair, too, becuz she is Crystalls twin**

"And therefore Malfoy's sister?" Peter asked.

**(but not malfoys sister.**

"Now that's just impossible."

**Duh, it's MAGIC!)**

"I really doubt that magic would be able to do that," Remus spoke up. "Unless this sister is some kind of duplicated version of the sister… But even then she would be related to Malfoy. It's impossible. Also, it really bugs me when people use 'magic' as an excuse for impossible things. This wouldn't be possible even with the most advanced magic there is."

**and she has red eyes becuz she is not a vampire, but she wants to be.**

"Who would want to be a vampire? 'Oh I really want to turn into a bloodsucking creature like my _cool _twin sister'?" Peter asked.

Sirius glanced at Remus and hastily continued reading, things like these were always sore topics.

**I am like "Hi girlies!" and they are like "Hi Stormie!" (my nickname).**

"This is where the awful dialogue takes over." Sirius said.

**Crystal asks me "have you seen Sirius?" and I say "No, why? OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU LOVE HIM DON'T YOU!11!"**

"Wow. She's… enthusiastic," Sirius said, then he realised the implication of the sentence. "No, please don't ship me with her! Author, please!"

**"****NO OMFG I DON'T YOU BITCH HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT!?"**

"Overuse of question marks. My eyes!" Sirius said. "And by the way: Good. I don't want this girl fancying me."

**she yells at me.**

**"****Oh, ok. Sorry." I say**

"Well, that was fast."

**"****It's okay" she shrugs, and we hug.**

**Stardust (Dustie**

"Stupid nickname for a stupid name." Peter said.

**for short) asks, "But what the hell you bitch?**

"And now we get to the swearing. Yay." Sirius said.

**You told me you love him!"**

**"****WHAT THE FUCK?! I HATE YOU YOU BITCH! WHY DID YOU TELL STORME!?" Crystal yells.**

"This is so bleeding rubbish. If this was paper, I would rip it up. Now." Sirius said.

**"****OMFG YOU CAN'T LIE TO ME?! WERE BFFS!" I shout.**

**"****WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK CRYSTAL?! STORME IS YOUR BFF! YOU CAN'T LIE YOU BITCH!" Sandie (aka dusty) says.**

Sirius inhaled deeply, and exhaled. "I'm going to punch something." He said. "This is such bullshit, I can't believe that people this stupid really exist."

**"****I HATE YOU!" I yell. I link arms with Sandie and we flounce off.**

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment before continuing to read.

Remus had already put his hands over his ears, it was practically torture listening to things like this.

**"****YOU UGLY BITCHES1 I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Crystal yells.**

**"****FINE YOU BITCH!" I yell back.**

"Shall we stop the swearing? It's hurting my ears." Lily said.

"Oh, poor little Lily-flower is too pure to hear such vulgar things…" Sirius said, winking at her. Unperturbed by her glare, he asked her, "What do you suggest?"

"Just say… Plop instead of swear words." Lily said.

"But I won't be able to stop laughing! _'Fine you plop!'_" He said before bursting out in a fit of chuckles.

**"****Whos a PLOP?" Serius asks me. I say, "Oh, Crystal. She likes you but she's a whoring**

"Wait, I've got an idea. Instead of bitch, say plop. Instead of whore, say… bling. And instead of the f-bomb, say… beep." Lily suggested.

Sirius shrugged and continued reading.

**PLOP so stay away from her, she has desises!"**

"What's desises supposed to mean?" Sirius asked.

"I think it means diseases." James said.

**I tell him evilly.**

"This is honestly too stupid to be real. This can't get any worse…"

**He frowns. "Oh, gross. He, Sandie, wanna go make out?" he asks her.**

"And I stand corrected," Sirius said. "I just randomly ask a girl I barely know if she wants to 'go make out' with me." He slapped his face with his hand.

**"****Sure." She shrugs. They go to the bathroom. I shrug.**

"Tacky. She only just used that word a sentence ago."

**"****Hey, Pinapple!" someone says from behind me. I whip around.**

**"****Oh. Hi." I say to Devil**

"She just met the devil? Good. He can take her where she belongs."

"No, obviously it's someone _called _Devil. There was no 'the' before it." Lily said.

"Well, with these types of stupid authors, you never know." Sirius said.

"True, she might have just forgotten, and accidentally capitalised it." James said.

**(he used to be called James but he changed his name**

James pulled a face. "Why would I change my name to 'Devil'? That's horrible."

"This Fanfiction is horrible." Sirius said.

**(and he's in Slytherin, remember?)).**

"Oh, please no." James said.

**Btw, Pinapple is the name he gave me (so cute, right?)**

"No. Not cute. Not cute at all."

**"****Hey Dev!" I say, hugging him.**

"So we've gotten to a hugging point, eh, Lily?" James winked at Lily.

Lily's insides squirmed. "Er, sure." She said distractedly.

**Later that week we were going to McGonagal.**

"Wait, what kind of a transition is that?" Peter asked.

"Some authors haven't quite mastered time transitions." Sirius said.

**"****Okay everybody, quiet!" she says.**

**Nobody listens.**

"Psh. As if. Everybody, and with that I mean the most evil Slytherins, listens when Minnie tells everyone to be quiet."

**I am chatting with Lupin (lol I forgot his first name)**

Remus scowled darkly, and started humming under his breath.

**(oh and btw he is not a werewolf cuz that's gross!).**

Everybody looked at Remus worriedly. He stood up and grabbed his bag.

"Right, that's it. I'm going down to the kitchens. Wait for me before reading the next story." He said before storming out.

**Oh, and Peter Pettigrew doesn't exist he died as a first year**

"Um, _excuse me_? Why? What did I do to this author?" Peter asked, looking hurt and upset.

**(he got pushed in front of the Hg express).**

"What the hell? What's this author's problem?" Peter asked. "I think I'm going to the kitchens too." He said, collecting his things and hurrying after Remus.

**Sandie and Serius are making out in the corner.**

"You going to storm out too?" James asked Sirius in an attempt to break the tension.

"Yeah, right. Nothing can scare away Mr Sirius Black." Sirius smiled.

**Crystal is sitting alone in the corner like the dum bitch**

"Er, I mean PLOP!" Sirius quickly corrected himself.

**she really is.**

"Well, that was fast…" Lily said. "One moment they're best friends, the next moment they hate her. Stupid author."

**Devil is staring at me, and I blushie…**

"You 'blushie'? What's that?"

"A cuter version of blush created by the author?" Lily said seriously.

"I wouldn't put that past them." Sirius shrugged.

**(Cute :3**

"And what's the colon doing next to a three?" Sirius asked.

"Probably the author thinks it's not cute once or twice, but _three _times." Lily suggested.

"I didn't get that,"

"I don't get your face."

"That's not nice, Evans,"

Lily grinned at him, and, shaking his head, he continued reading.

**right? Oh, btw: 3:) = DEVIL! LOL!)**

"I don't get that." Sirius said, but as Lily opened her mouth, he cut across her. "Don't say it, Evans."

"I-"

"Don't!"

"I-"

"No!"

"I-"

"Don't!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, SIRIUS!" Lily yelled.

"Jeez, no need to get angry!" Sirius said, not bothered by her glare.

"I _wanted _to say, you won't be able to get these authors unless your mind is as twisted as theirs."

"Oh. That's not half bad," Sirius said.

**"****SHUT UP YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!" McGonie shouts.**

"Like she would ever say that. This author is stupid." James said.

"We established that ages ago." Sirius said, patting James on the arm in a fake comforting way.

"Prat…" James muttered.

**Everybody ignores her.**

**"****IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCKING**

"I mean beeping!"

**HELL UP RIGHT NOW I'LL beeping KILL YOU!" She screams.**

Lily massaged her temples. "This is honestly so stupid it hurts."

She sighed and stretched, wishing for nothing more than this Fanfiction to be over.

**Everybody shuts up apart from Crystal becuz she's a stupid looser.**

Lily wondered whether she should do what Remus and Peter had, and simply leave. She had a headache, and her stomach was feeling weird since the last Fanfiction.

However as she opened her mouth to say she was leaving, she sighed. Somehow she wanted to stay. And she had no idea where the kitchen was, so that played a role, too.

**"****AVADA KEDAVRA!" McGonnie shouts at Crystal. She falls to the ground.**

"I hate this author. I really do." Sirius said.

**"****SHIT!" I yell. "WHAT THE HELL YOU PSYCHO?!" I yell at McGonnue.**

"There are so many faults with this story, it would take several days to list them all." James said.

**I run to Cris and start crying prettily.**

Sirius snorted, but let the comment slide.

**"****Oh, no, Cris, I'm so sorry for shouting at you! I really am!" I wail. Then I realise that she is dead and can't hear me. I feel stupid and stand up.**

Lily groaned and lay her head on the desk. She had preferred the last Fanfiction to this. _Oh Merlin. I did not just think that! That one was the worst thing I ever heard! Honestly, me and James? Psh. As if._

**Sandie is still making out with Serius.**

"That's it. I'm going. Prongs, you read." Sirius said, nearly chucking the device at James. "Can't this idiotic, stupid, half-witted author learn to spell my name correctly?"

Lily glanced at him. "You do know that idiotic, stupid and half-witted all mean the same, right?"

Sirius glared at her and stormed out. Lily didn't notice his sly smirk.

Lily's heartbeat increased suddenly. She was alone in a room with James- er, Potter.

"Erm, I'll just continue reading, shall I?" James asked awkwardly.

Lily nodded distractedly, suddenly feeling very warm.

**"****Oh, Pini," Devil says soothingly. He kissis me romantically.**

Lily felt like her insides were churning. _The thought of kissing Potter is making me want to vomit, _she thought desperately.

**"****OMFG WHAT THE HELL?" Cris shouts.**

"Wait, wasn't she dead?" James asked Lily, who didn't reply.

**"****OMFG AREN'T YOU DEAD?" I shout.**

**"****OMFG WHAT IS GOING ON?" Devil shouts.**

**"****OMFG YOUR ALIVE!" McGonnie shouts.**

"What does 'OMFG' even mean?" James asked her.

Lily opened her mouth to reply, but no words came out. She was sweating, and she desperately needed fresh air.

"I'll just assume it means 'Old Merlin Farts Gold', shall I?" He said jokingly.

Lily attempted a weak smile, but it came out as more of a grimace.

James' smile faltered.

**"****OMFG YOU DIED?" Sandie shouts, stopping from making out with Motor. (Sirius changed his name to motor (like motorcycle)**

James didn't bother commenting, it wasn't like Lily would answer him.

**"****OMFG YOU ARE SO PRETTY! BE MY GIRLFRIEND!" Motor shouts.**

**"****OMFG YES!" Cris shout.**

**"****OMFG NO!" Sandie shouts.**

**"****OMFG SANDIE YOU ARE A BITCH I HATE YOU AND YOU ARE A REALLY BAD KISSER!" Motor shouts.**

**"****OMFG MOTOR HOW COULD YOU?" Sandie shouts.**

**"****OMFG LETS GO MAKE OUT!" Cris shouts.**

"Okay. This is so, so, _so _stupid. Remind me why we are reading this?" James asked Lily.

"To unlock the next story," Lily said, her voice an octave higher than usual. What was happening to her?

"Oh, yeah." James said.

"Stupid…" Lily muttered, talking under her breath. This stupid story, stupid Fanfiction, but most of all, stupid Potter.

James frowned, and said, "I hope you're talking about this story,"

Lily glared at him. "No, I'm talking about you!"

"What did I do now?" James asked, raising his hands in defeat.

"You're asking stupid questions, you're enjoying these ridiculous stories, and YOU'RE BEING NICE TO ME!"

"So being nice is a crime now?" James asked, his voice rising.

"It is when you are being nice to me!" Lily yelled at him.

"What? Why? Excuse me for not wanting to hold shouting matches every week anymore!"

"Just continue the story." Lily said, glaring at him.

**"****OMFG WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING?" I shout.**

James read tonelessly.

**"****OMFG BE MY GIRLFRIEND, PINI?" Devil shouts.**

**"****OMFG YES!" I shout.**

**"****OMFG STORME YOU TRAITOR I LIKED DEVIL!" Sandie shouts.**

**"****OMFG WTH SANDIE? YOU LIKE MOTOR!" I shout back.**

**"****OMFG NOT ANYMORE! DEVIL IS MINE!" Sandie shouts. Cris and Motor go to make out.**

Lily wasn't even listening to the story anymore, her head was spinning.

**"****OMFG YOU BITCH HE IS MINE! WE ARE NO LONGER BFFS!" I shout, and start making out with Devil.**

**"****OMFG STORME YOU BITCH I HATE YOU!" Sandie yells.**

**"****oh… my… gosh… I'M A LESBIAN!" I scream.**

James hardly heard what he was reading. What was her problem? He was nasty to her, she yelled at him. He was nice to her, she yelled at him. He ignored her, she yelled at him. What did she want?

**"****ME TOO!" Sandie shouts.**

**"****LET'S GET TOGETHER!" I yell.**

Lily wasn't listening anymore – there was nothing worth listening to, anyway.

What was his problem? He said it like she had _enjoyed _the shouting matches they had had. Then, suddenly, he had completely changed, and started to ignore her! Then, when she had only just gotten used to that, he had started being _nice _to her! How was she supposed to deal with that?

Anyway, Potter and Evans getting along was like… McGonagall eloping with Flitzwick! Against the laws of nature!

**"****OKAY! LETS GO MAKE OUT!" I shriek.**

**"****wait, what about me?" Devil asks sadly.**

**"****Oh, I'm preggers, Devil. I'm calling our child Harry." I tell him. He looks surprised. "Ok, I'm totes kidding. I'm calling his Diamondwrecker." He sighs, relifed.**

James read. What did Evans want from him? He wished they could just get along, but she seemed to always want to row with him, whatever he did.

**"****Wanna go make out?" he asks me.**

**"****NO I'M A LESBIAN! REMEMBER?" I yell at him.**

**"****FINE! THEN I'M GAY! HURRICANE?" he yells. (Hurricane is Lupin he just changed his name).**

**"****Yeah?" Hurricane asks.**

Lily wished this would be over so she could just go out of the room. She wanted to think without Potter sitting over there looking so darn cute!

_Oh my Merlin, did I just think of Potter as CUTE? What's going on with me? I'm going mad! I've finally snapped after reading so much Fanfiction! I need to get out of here!_

**"****LETS GO MAKE OUT!" Devil yells.**

**"****Okay" hurricane shrugs.**

**They run out. I run out with Sandie.**

**"****Am I the only straight one here?" McGonnie asks.**

**"****Yep." All the other students say, then they all run away to make out. (theyre all gays and lesbies)**

**"****Hey, Minniepoo, let's go make out!" Dumblidore says.**

**"****Okay," she shrugs.**

**THE END**

"Done." James sighed.

"Fine. I'll go now." Lily snapped.

"What's your problem, Evans?" he asked her.

"You are."

"What did I even do?"

Lily ran a hand through her hair. "I can't stand you, and you have to be nice to me! Can't we just go back to how we used to be?" _Everything was so simple then._

"Well, sorry for being _nice_," James replied irritably. Why was she so bloody complicated?

Lily ignored him, grabbed her stuff and left, leaving a hurt and confused James behind.

* * *

**A/N: Stupid in-denial Lily! Anyway, hope you liked this chapter! Sorry for not updating for so long, but this was really hard to write, and I've been very busy.**

**But enough of that for now, SCHOOLS OUT! (For me at least!) So I'm not sure how busy I'll be in the next few weeks of holidays, I might have loads of time to write, but, then again, I might not. I'll hope for the best, and try to keep the updates coming fast!**

**Please review, it'll make me update faster! Thanks to all the lovely cheesecakes who did! You guys are AWESOME!**

**Oh, and I'm sorry for the rubbish fic, feel free to print it out and tear it up! ;)**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


	17. James' Guide to Getting Lily

**A/N: I'm really sorry for the long wait! Now, enjoy!**

Lily barged into her dormitory, only to find her best friend, Livia Nilbist, lying on the bed reading Witch Weekly.

"What's up, Lily? Is something the matter?" Livia asked, taking in Lily's dishevelled appearance.

"Yes!" Lily sighed, flopping down onto the bed.

"Well, are you going to tell me?" Livia asked after a moment of silence.

"Okay. I need your advice." Lily said.

Livia put down her magazine. "I'm all ears."

"Well," Lily began carefully. "I have this… uh… _friend_, who knows this guy, and they used to hate each other, but suddenly the guy became all nice and serious, and I- er, my friend doesn't really know what happened, why everything suddenly changed. Also, my friend is feeling really confused, because this friend of mine found out that this guy and his friends have this, uh, _thing _with stories about himself and m- my friend and his friends and other people we- er, they know – or, well, we know them too, but anyway – so, they read this story about themselves, and in the story my _friend _er, sort of fancied Po- um, this guy, and they ended up snogging, and it was making my friend feel really uncomfortable and weird. And my friend would really like to know what that all meant, and if she should stop reading these stories (most of them are really badly written by silly preteen girls fantasising about meeting Sir- uh, this guy's best friend. Um, according to my friend, I mean.), because they are making her go mad."

Livia stared at her blankly. "I have no idea what you were talking about."

Lily groaned. "Please don't make me repeat all that."

Livia raised an eyebrow. "Y'know, Lily, subtlety really isn't your strong point."

Lily propped herself up so she could look at Livia. "What do you mean?"

Livia grinned. "I know the story was all about you and James. Not your, er- uh, _friend_."

Lily flopped back onto her bed. "Wow, I really am bad at subtlety."

"But _why in Merlin's name _do you have a book, or thing, or whatever, filled with stories about you?"

"Well, I guess I can tell you, I mean Potter's friends all know… Well, Sirius stole a strange device from Filch's office, and it is from the future, and it contains so-called Fanfiction about us, and people we know, like Snape." Lily explained.

Livia looked confused. "Why do you have fans?"

"Pardon?"

"Well, it's called FAN-fiction, so it's fiction written by fans." Livia said.

"Wow. You know, I never really made that connection. Why the hell do I have _fans__? _Why the hell does _Potter _have fans? WHY THE HELL DOES AVERY HAVE FANS?"

"You read one about Avery?" Livia asked.

"Truth or Dare one. Long story," Lily said dismissively. "I can't believe there are actual people that think that me being Remus' psychopathic, murdering mother would be a good idea."

"Wait – what?"

Lily groaned. "It's a long story."

"Well, I have time…"

XXXXX

James sighed and put the device in his bag. He honestly didn't understand that girl. Why did she have to be so bloody complicated?

"So, how'd it go?" Sirius asked, poking his head through the classroom door.

James didn't bother looking up. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, obviously, you and Little Miss Evans." Sirius said, plopping down on a chair opposite James. "Merlin, these chairs are hard!" he whined, rubbing his backside. "Why didn't you tell me?"

James raised an eyebrow at him. "You do know that we have been having classes in chairs exactly like these for the past seven years?"

Sirius scowled. "Yeah, but… Anyway, enough of that. What between you and Evans?"

"Nothing!"

"Yeah, I gathered that by the bad mood you appear to be in right now. If she would have snogged you senseless, you would probably be dancing around the room by now."

"Why would she have snogged me? The girl bloody hates me!" James said, running a hand through his hair.

"Puh-lease. The Sexual Tension was so thick in the air, I could have eaten it. If I had any interest in eating air, that is. Or sexual tension, I'm not really sure what I'm referring to. Well, either way, I'm not interested in eating either of those things, and I have really distracted from my first point, haven't I. Which was that there was loads of sexual tension in the air, by the way."

James groaned. "Well, in case you care, after you ditched me-"

"I didn't ditch you! I gave you an opportunity!"

"We read the story in pretty much silence (the story was shit, in case you care). She made some snappy comments at me, occasionally insulting ones (for no reason), and then she started shouting at me for being nice, and then she stormed out.

"Sounds like our little Lily is in denial." Sirius said, playing with a strand of his hair.

"Yeah. I mean, no. She hates me, and that's that. And it's never going to change, no matter what I do." James said, sighing in defeat.

"So what _are _you going to do?" Sirius asked him.

"Nothing. I'm over her."

Sirius snorted. "Please. The day you get over Lily is the day I marry Bellatrix."

"Well, I'm sure you mum would approve," James said, pulling the laptop out of his bag.

"Stop talking. Now." Sirius said, pointing a warning finger at him. "Anyway, why are you taking the Fanfiction-thingy out?"

"We should take it to Dumbledore. It's done enough damage."

"Damage? You mean, make Lilykins uncomfortable enough to consider that she might have feelings for you?" Sirius said, snatching the device from James. "Anyway, if we give it to Albus, he'll just have loads of fun reading Fanfiction about himself! I can just imagine him sitting cosily in his office, laughing at the ridiculus stories!"

James raised an eyebrow at him. "You think so? I'd think that he would appreciate us taking it to him, and spend a long time doing research and experiments, before taking it to the Department of Mysteries."

"Psh. I like my version better."

James sighed. "So, what are we going to do?"

Sirius opened the device, and grinned as the laptop selected the next story. "I think this magical device knows what it's doing."

James peered at the screen, and saw the title: **James' Guide To Getting Lilly.**

"Sounds like just what we need." Sirius said, passing James the machine. "I'll let you read."

"Alright. This is the description: **My advice to James (or to you, if you are like James), because with these tips, he could have gotten Lily a hell-of-a lot faster.**

"So far, so good." Sirius said.

**Tip 1:**

**STOP BEING A JERK!**

"What's a jerk?"

"It's the American word for prat."

"What? I'm a very nice, and not-jerk-like person!"

**This is the most important point, because this was the main reason that she hated you. If you do this, then she will soon see sense.**

"Erm, no. I stopped being a prat in sixth year!"

"Maybe this fic is meant for your fourth-to-fifth year self."

"Well, in that case, it's two years too late." James said.

**Tip 2:**

**DON'T BULLY PEOPLE!**

"Again, I stopped in sixth year."

**This may seem the same as tip one, but I think I should mention it again. Be nice to everybody, and she will be nice to you.**

"Again: Erm, no."

**Tip 3:**

**DON'T ASK HER OUT ALL THE TIME!**

"I think I am finding this extremely useless. I already know this, and it's not working!"

**This was really annoying for her, so if you do this she will be surprised and feel strange.**

"But still hate me for not asking her out, so she can reject me." James said darkly.

"C'mon, mate. Give this a chance!"

**Tip 4:**

**DON'T BE A SHOW-OFF!**

"Done that!" James said, ruffling his hair in an annoyed way.

**This includes not fluffing your hair,**

Sirius smirked at him. "You can start now."

James frowned at him, but continued reading.

**bragging,**

"Check," James said.

**being narcissistic,**

"Check,"

**pulling extravagant pranks**

"What? No way!" James and Sirius shouted at the same time.

"Yeah, I think I'll just skip that one."

**(and taking the blame for them like a big-headed idiot),**

"Fine. I'll take the blame for them like a normal-size-headed intelligent seventh year. What's the point in pulling a prank if nobody knows it was you?"

**sucking up to the teachers**

James choked on his own spit. "What?" he spluttered. "I am the least suck-up in the world!"

"Except for me," Sirius interrupted.

"I seem to remember an incident where you told Minnie she was the best teacher in the world, then proceeded to ask her if you could not get homework."

"But-"

"Case closed."

**(in a I-am-such-a-cool-bad-boy-yet-you-still-love-me way), getting great grades without picking up a book**

"But why should I bother studying if I can do it anyway?"

**(if she sees you studying, I'll guarantee that she'll be impressed),**

"Nothing that I do could ever impress her…"

**and, last but definitely not least, sleeping with other girls.**

"Uh, what?!"

**(A/N: I'm not sure if James and Sirius were really like that, but since some Fanfiction authors seem to think so, I thought I'd add it in.)**

"Nope, we are definitely not like that."

**Tip 5:**

**GIVE HER SPACE!**

Sirius clapped his hands together, making James start.

"And this is where this Fanfiction starts becoming useful." He said.

**This is sort of the same as tip #3, but I mean this, too: If you have done all of the above, then she will be feeling pretty overwhelmed. Give her some time to think, and wait for a while before making a move.**

"Yes. Do that." Sirius said, leaning back on the wooden chair.

"And what makes you such an expert?" James asked.

"Well, I've been listening to you ranting about her, you moping about her, you raving about her, you complaining about her, and all your famous shouting matches. Oh, and I almost forgot: You forcing use to help with your schemes to ask her out, and her rejecting you."

James looked at him over his glasses. "I'm beginning to think that I've spent way too much time on that girl."

"Oh, really?"

**Tip 6:**

**IGNORE HER RANTS! (if she still shouts at you if you have done the above for at least a year)**

"Easier said than done," James muttered.

**If she yells at you for "being nice",**

"Oho, now we are getting to the useful parts." James said, sitting up straighter.

**"****not yelling at her", "changing", or "confusing her", then ignore it.**

"Well, it's rather hard…"

**She is just trying to make herself feel better, and she is confused why you changed. She is also (I presume) chin-deep in denial,**

Sirius grinned. "This author is smart!"

James looked at him. "Why?"

"This is exactly what I was telling you, and everybody knows that great minds think alike."

**and she just wants things to go back to how they were. Just let her yell, and wait until she sees sense.**

"What if she takes several years to see sense?" James asked the laptop screen.

"Simple:" Sirius said. "Wait for several years."

James glared at him. "You are not helping."

"I beg to differ. I have just explained-"

"Yeah, yeah. Let me continue."

**Tip 8:**

**GIVE HER SOME SUBTLE COMPLIMENTS! (and watch her reaction)**

"Okay, and how?"

"Read on." Sirius said.

**Give her some simple and sweet compliments, like: "You're hair looks nice today," "I'm jealous of how smart you are," or "You have a really nice laugh."**

"That's quite good," Sirius said, looking impressed. "Subtle enough to keep her from thinking that you are hitting on her, but obvious enough for her to feel touched."

"I should try them." James said thoughtfully.

**If she blushes and looks mildly uncomfortable (but in an oh-stop-it-(no-don't) way),**

"A what?" James asked. "An oh-stop-it-(no-don't) way? What the heck is that?"

"Obviously-"

"_Obviously,_" James mimicked.

"It means that she is feeling touched, and says 'Oh stop it', but she actually wants you to keep on complimenting her."

**then she likes you!**

**If she looks at you in a weird way (Like you are crazy), then wait a while (and continue to follow the other tips!)**

"And how will I know which one it is?"

"You'll know." Sirius said.

"And if I don't?"

"I'll tell you." Sirius said impatiently. "Now keep reading."

**Tip 9:**

**SHOW HER HOW MATURE YOU ARE!**

**This includes helping others, reading, having intelligent conversations with her, and being a good student.**

"I already do all of those things!" James said.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his friend.

"What? I helped a first year find their transfiguration book, I read '_The Best Quidditch Teams, Brooms and Players', _I once chatted about the Herbology during the lesson with her, and I get great grades!"

Sirius snorted. "It took you one second to summon that first year's book, Quidditch books don't count (in Lily's eyes), that conversation ended with her dunking the plant on your head, and you get great grades without picking up a book. Which Lily hates, by the way."

James scowled. "Yeah, but… still."

**Tip 10:**

**WAIT FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT!**

**Don't make your move until you are sure that the timing is right. She might freak out, and you will ruin what you have.**

"Right. So now what?" Sirius asked.

"Wait, there's still a bit…"

**NOW: GOOD LUCK!**

**James, trust me. You are meant for each other. And, whatever you do, don't give up.**

"That's… good, I guess. The author seems pretty convinced that we'll end up together."

"Of course it's good. Now-"

Just then, the door swung open. Remus and Peter strolled in, Peter clutching several muffins in his hand.

"So, what did we miss?"

**A/N: I'm really, truly sorry about how long it took me to update. Forgive me? And maybe leave me a little review?**

**Lots and lots of reviews might just convince me to update sooner rather than later! But I'll definitely not make you poor little ducklings (that was random) wait for this long again, but I really had terrible writer's block, and I also was really busy, AND I didn't have WiFi where I was staying… Plus this chapter was the hardest so far. Hm. Anyway, I'll (hopefully) have more time to update now, so I'll try my best.**

**Update! Go on! That review button is looking very cute, and just wants to be pressed.**

**Yeah, I know. I just love reviews. :)**

**See you guys… soon? Yeah, soon. Definitely.**

**Xo**

**~Coco**


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